Beside you
by Kallie09
Summary: Takes place in 410, and goes from there. What if it had been Nate, and not Dan who asked Serena about what happened the night of Chuck's party.
1. Do you believe me?

**_Serena's P.O.V_**

I groaned in frustration, and threw the TV remote across the room. I had read every magazine in the room, now I couldn't even find anything to watch. And it wasn't like I could go and visit anyone, considering I was stuck here. And the worst bit? I didn't deserve to be here. Although everyone else seemed to disagree with me, Mom, Erik, Blair and then there was Dan. He looked at me liked I didn't deserve to be here, and that hurt in a way too. It was like after all these years; I was back on that stupid pedestal. But despite all this, the thing that hurt me most was that Nate hadn't even come to visit. I knew he had his own problems right now, but I sort of hoped he cared enough to even just come in say hi and then leave. Did he really hate me that much? I heard a soft chap at the door and looked up in hopeless optimism.

"Oh." I sighed. "Hi."

"It's nice to see you too." Came Blair's wounded reply, before she threw a pile of magazine's onto my bed. "I thought you might like some new reading material. And considering I almost had to make the seller cry to stay open late enough, to buy them. You can at least pretend you're happy."

"I'm sorry. I just thought it might be... someone else." I muttered.

"Nate?" she asked.

"No." I disagreed, until she just kept staring at me. "OK, stop looking like at me like that. Yes I thought it might be Nate. He hasn't come yet. But, I'm kind of thinking he's just not going to come now. Guess I can't blame him; I haven't been great to him this year. Well since everything with my Dad anyway."

"S." Her hand grabbed onto mine then. "I'm sure he'll come. It's Nate, the same boy who spent all night in an uncomfortable hospital chair to make sure you were alright."

"But that was before I left him, to find myself."

"Yes." She nodded "But it was after you left him, after he poured out his heart to you."

"What is this? How to kick a girl when she's down?"

"Serena!" she rolled her eyes "I'm only pointing out that he cares about you."

"Yeah. He's shown that."

She just shook her head at me, then I seen the look I hated, the disappointment creeping into her eyes. "I just need to know why S. Why did you do this to yourself again? I thought those days were over."

"I didn't B! I know it sounds crazy, and I know I have a history with drugs, but I didn't take any Blair. I wouldn't. Not now, I worked too hard to get away from that girl to just fall back so easily."

"Serena, it wasn't just the drugs. It was stabbing me in the back, and Chuck. Then there was kissing both Nate and Dan. Leaving Columbia. It sounds like old times S, and I care about you too much to see you go through that again. Worry about where you are when I can't find you."

I scoffed then pulling my hand back. "I'm tired. I think you should leave now."

"Serena, I was..."

"Just leaving?"

She sighed, nodding sadly "I'll come see you tomorrow. Goodnight."

"Night." I replied courtly. I knew I was being too harsh on her, but today had just been so horrible. And her not believing me again, that just pushed me over the edge. But then I realised that I was once again alone. But that's fine; I have enough experience of being alone. I just wish it wasn't in a hospital, where everyone had heard that phone call on the news, and seen the headline that came with it. I tucked some of my hair behind my ear, and picked up some of the magazines Blair had brought, and flicked through the pages. But I grew tired of looking at the pictures of the models fast. It's a bad day, when you actually miss gossip girl spreading rumours. I mean she was right a lot of the time, but there were times that it was nice to know more than her.

And now I've gone crazy. What sane person misses having personal life broadcast on the internet, so that everyone can see? Exactly, no sane person misses that. I shook my head trying to get rid of those thoughts. I heard a knock on the door and looked up, expecting to see Blair but what I seen was a doctor looking back at me.

"Miss VanDerWoodsen?" they said as they walked into the room.

"Yes?" I asked, despite the look on the doctor's face which told me that I wasn't going to like what she had to say.

"I've spoken with your mother, and we both agree that once you're released from here, that you go the Ostroff Center."

"No." I said straight away "I don't need to go! I didn't do anything."

"Miss VanDerWoodsen, your results clearly indicate that you took a substantial amount of..."

"I know what the stupid tests said. But I didn't do it! But why should you believe me? Even my family and friends don't."

"I'll leave the thought with you. Try and get some rest." She said softly walking out of the room.

Why was it, as soon as she mentioned my mother, I got the vibe that it didn't really matter what I wanted? I wonder if everyone would soon believe that I was visiting Aunt Carol. I felt the tears sting in my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. That would mean that I did something wrong, and I wasn't going to let anyone think that.

Like I said, I got this far by myself, I never needed anyone. Or rather never let myself need anyone, opening up that much is when you let yourself get hurt. Although shutting everyone out does have its drawbacks.

Like losing the one person, you thought would always forgive you.

* * *

**_Nate's P.O.V_**

I got in from my run and collapsed against the kitchen chair. My run may have tired me out, but it didn't take my mind of my problems, which is what I was hoping would happen. My parent's divorce, that yes at my age I should take better, but you can't help how you feel. Which brings me to my next problem. Serena. I had almost gone to see her more times than I care to count, though backing out each time. I couldn't face seeing her like I had so many times before. The truth is that Serena scared me, each time we found her after a night out, I was always scared that one day we might not be able to wake her up. And I couldn't take that. I know we might not have been talking much these past couple of months, but I still cared for her. I always would. Serena was someone you never really got fully over, well I was never going to anyway.

I heard the front door creak open, but failed to look up assuming that it was merely Chuck coming back from something, I wasn't sure I wanted to know about.

"Nate?" came a much more feminine voice than Chuck's. I looked up to see Blair, looking paler than I had seen her for a while.

"Are you OK?"

She nodded, but I could tell that she was lying. "I've just been to see Serena."

"How is she?" I asked immediately. I may not be strong enough to see her, but I still wanted to know how she was. I needed to know that she was going to be OK.

"She's alright. For now, anyway. Nate, she almost died. And she did it to herself. I really thought we were past all of that." She had tears in her eyes at the end, and even when he reached his arms out to bring her into a light hug his thoughts remained firmly on the girl who wasn't there, and the words "she almost died".

"Is she going to be OK though?" I asked once Blair had calmed down again.

She nodded eventually "Lily is going to get her some help. But..."

"What?" I asked worry creeping in again and I hated that I could still feel this scared over losing Serena. But like I said, I sincerely doubt that I would ever really be over Serena.

"She swears she didn't do it." Blair had now averted her gaze from mine, so that it was now resting on a random spot on the wall. "She says she doesn't remember anything, after showing up at the party with Erik, but not being let in."

"Do you believe her?" I asked. If anyone was going to be able to tell if Serena was lying, it would be the girl sat in front of me. There was something special between me, Chuck, Serena and Blair, and we all knew the many moods of Serena VanDerWoodsen better than anyone else. And while we might not have been able to say what, we could always pick up on the fact that she was lying.

"I don't know." Blair shook her head, before sitting down and clasping her hands together, resting them in her lap. "She seemed so convinced she didn't do it, but I still can't shake the feeling that she's falling into old habits."

We both lapsed into silence then, remembering how awful it used to be with Serena. Yes Chuck used to party equally as much, but he knew his limits. Serena, on the other hand, would go as far as she could to make the world numb, so that all she had to worry about was what to order next. Then came our part, having to go and pick her up, clean her up before Lily seen, and listen to her heart-wrenching sobs when she thought you were out of earshot.

Then, as if I had no control over it, I stood up and put my jacket on, over my running clothes not bothering to change into something more appropriate.

"Where are you going?" Blair asked, looking somewhat stunned.

"To see Serena." I replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "I need to see for myself how bad she is. I need to see if she has gone back to how she used to be. I need to see that she's going to be OK."

Blair simply smiled a small, sad smile at me. And I got the hidden message that she knew I would end up visiting Serena at some point. But instead of staying, and giving her a reply, I just left the room. Deciding I could do with the extra air, I walked towards the hospital, trying to squash my worry with each step. Serena would be OK, because she simply had to be. It may be dysfunctional, and something you could never understand unless you were one of us, but I strongly believed that the four of us needed each other. We were in no way perfect, far from it really, but we all knew how much we could push each other. When to help, and when to be leave it alone. The four of us had all but raised each other, and no matter happened, the fights, the fallouts, nothing was ever going to change the fact that we needed each other.

But even knowing this, I knew that wasn't the whole reason. I couldn't imagine life without Serena, I could live with pretending we were friends, because at least then she would still be in my life. And I needed that, I needed to know that the girl I love was always going to be there in some capacity. Despite it not being in the way I want it.

When I finally made it to the hospital, and paused momentarily, until I finally walked forward towards the reception area.

"Hello, how can I help?" asked the rather bored receptionist.

"Could you please tell me what room Serena VanDerWoodsen is in?"

* * *

**_Serena's P.O.V_**

I reached over and grabbed a bottle of water, as I heard my door open. Great, that must be the doctor back! To ever so helpfully re-suggest the Ostroff Center.

"I don't need to go to the Ostroff Center." I sighed.

"Really?"

And at that voice my head snapped up. "Nate? Isn't it a little late for visiting?"

He shrugged "I told them I was your cousin, and that I was only in town for the day, so it was really urgent that I get to see you."

"And coming earlier, when everyone else did would have been so ridiculous." I replied, my voice overly sweet as I plastered a fake smile on.

"Serena, it wasn't like that." He sat down on the chair next to me "I just needed time. You don't understand how scary it was to get the phone call saying you were here."

"Can't be any scarier than waking up in a strange room, that you never went to." I pointed out. "Or to have people say you did some terrible things, that you know you can't have."

"Serena..." he started but I cut him off.

"No! I know what you're going to say. And it's going to be the same stupid thing everyone else has said. But I know I didn't take those drugs. I didn't! And I didn't do any of the things, that I'm meant to have done. I only showed up to that stupid party for one reason."

"What?" he asked softly.

I shook my head "What's the point? You're not going to believe me anyway."

"Serena, why did you show up to the party? Just be honest with me, and I'll be able to see it. Tell me what you remember from that day."

"I remember you and Dan showing up outside the apartment. But I swear I never got those texts you were talking about, actually no-one text me at all that day. I remember, because I thought it was odd. Then I went inside and thought about everything. And decided that Venn diagrams were pointless..."

"Venn diagrams?" he cut in.

"It's a long story." I replied "Anyway, I decided that there was never going to be a way to pick between the two of you. The only thing I could do was let my heart pick. And then I knew what I had to do. So I got dressed, and got into a cab, and went to get Erik and Elliot. But when we got to the party, the bouncer said Serena VanDerWoodsen was already there. Then it took forever to get in, and then it get's fuzzy."

"What did you have to do?" he asked.

"Nate..." I trailed off.

"No please. Even if it's not what I want to hear, just tell me what you knew you had to do."

"I wanted to find Dan and..." I seen him slouch then "No, please just listen to it all. I wanted to find Dan and tell him that a part of me will always love him. But that I couldn't be with him. Not when I loved someone else. The thing with Dan, it just seemed over. After that I wanted to find you and say... well say that I knew who I wanted. I knew who I wanted when I left for Paris, when I came back. Nate, I wanted to say I loved you."

"S..." he whispered so softly that I wasn't sure if he even said anything.

"So, do you believe me?" I asked as our eyes finally met.


	2. Nothing would make me hate you

**_Nate's P.O.V _**

"So, do you believe me?" I heard the doubt in there, as if she was expecting me to say no. And that's what reminded me, she may put on a strong front, like nothing ever hurts her, but inside she was still the little girl who was petrified of everyone leaving her. Looking around the room, I saw that this time, she even looked the part. She looked so fragile, lying in the hospital bed, and looking like my answer would break her.

"Yes." I said, making my voice hold the conviction that I felt. Seeing her look so defeated, I knew that she had to be telling the truth. Serena may be an expert in lying to everyone, but I could always see when she was trying to hide something. And I could count on one hand, the amount of times; she was so truly honest with me. Her eyes snapped up to meet mine again then, surprise shining back at me.

"Wh... What?" she asked, stuttering over her words, astonishment clearly in her voice "You believe me?"

"Yes." I replied sitting on the bed next to her, and pushing a strand of her hair behind her ear. "Serena, I know when you're lying. I've been on the other end of your lies too many times, not to notice the signs. But this time I know you're not lying."

"Nate." She whispered, tears forming in her eyes "I really can't say how much that means. But I'm scared Nate, I know I didn't take any drugs but they ended up in my system anyway. I know it sounds ridiculous, and like I'm being overly dramatic, but I think someone gave me them."

"Serena, I'm beginning to think there is no such as overly dramatic in our lives." I sighed. "It's like just when we have everything worked out, something has to happen, to make us re-analyse everything."

She nodded in agreement "But I normally deserve them. I guess I can't really be surprised that no-one believes me over this. I probably wouldn't believe me if I was anyone else. But ever since _that_ night, when everything changed, I promised myself I'd never end up like that again. And it was hard, and I wasn't perfect, and then I got the call about Erik, and that's what really sealed it. I ran away from everything, because it was what I needed. But I failed to realise that maybe Erik needed me there. It was my fault that he..."

"Hey." I whispered soothingly, taking her hand in mine, as he gaze rested on our hands. "That was not your fault. And we know you worked hard to get away from your old lifestyle. And you know Erik loves you, we all love you S."

She laughed a little then gesturing with her free hand around the room "I can see that. Where you careful not to sit on any of those imaginary people who 'love' me?"

"S, don't be like that. Whatever happened that night, it hurt more people than just you." I might have been trying to reassure her then, but I wasn't sure that I managed to keep the hurt from my eyes. I might have everyone convinced that it was the fact that she was meant to have kissed me and Dan on the same night, that made me upset. But what really upset me about that night, was seeing the picture of her kissing Dan. He was suddenly transported back to when he was sixteen and seeing the girl he loved, even though he shouldn't, in the arms of someone else. He had grown up these past few years, but something about her made him act like that shy teenager around her.

She sighed and looked at me, her eyes clouding over and I knew that she was going into her defensive mode. Something that once you let her get into, was hard to get her out of. This is the look we seen so many times growing up, and was normally followed by then looking around the bars of New York praying we would find her, before she managed to harm herself in some way. It was also what happened, right before she shut everyone out. I seen her open her mouth, most likely to find a polite way to tell me leave, so I placed my index finger against her mouth and seen her pause in surprise.

"What am I five?" she scoffed moving my hand away.

"I never meant it like that. And I knew you were hurt more than us, and I don't know how scared you must be feeling right now. All I meant to say was that they need some to let everything sink in. Then they'll realise the truth. That you wouldn't hurt any of us like that. I know we can tear other people apart, but we always had our own rules. They'll come round."

"And if I don't want them too?" she asked softly, so soft I had to strain to hear her. "Part of me hates that they didn't believe me. Or even give me the time to explain. Maybe I should just give up; everyone just assumes the worst from me, why shouldn't I have the fun that goes with the blame?"

"But you won't."

"How can be so sure?"

"Because I know you, S. You've never done anything because someone told you to, or someone expected it of you. You were the unpredictable one, you done what you wanted and everyone else just had to accept it."

"I tried so hard not to let anything bother me. To make the criticisms hurt less, pretend I didn't care that no-one thought I would ever make anything for myself, that Mom leaving didn't hurt, or that... Well there's a lot I used to pretend didn't hurt me, that's why I felt I needed the parties. Cause in those moments, no-one expects anything from you, no-one cares and you get to pretend, even for a second that the you were happy."

She finished her speech in such a broken voice, and her eyes were now staring into space, fighting the tears that threatened to fall. And I squeezed her hand, before she could pull it away. I couldn't do much to handle her wounds, they were too far out of my comfort zone, even Chuck and Blair had never found a way to help heal them, so I offered the only comfort I could. Letting her know that no matter what, at least one person was on her side.

"You weren't happy?" I asked. I knew this of course, there are wounds deep within her, and even she doesn't acknowledge them, and won't let anyone else comment on them. But when she was like this, I hoped that maybe, for the first time she would let me all the way in. I wasn't an idiot, I know that she let me, Blair and Chuck see more than anyone else, but that didn't mean she let us see everything, far from it in fact.

She just gave a delicate shrug, turning around so that her back was facing me, and I knew that the tears were beginning to get too much for her. She never let anyone see her cry if she could help it, actually I could count on one hand the amount of times she had cried in front of me. Then she spoke, her voice sounding as if it was coming from miles away:

"I know we're the 'privileged' ones, and got everything we ever wanted, and really shouldn't complain. Not when you think about all the pain in the world, and what some people have to live through. And I know it sounds like yet another rich person complain about their pitiful problems, but... All I wanted growing up was for someone to stay. Someone who cared enough about me, to actually want to spend time with me. You know, it really says something when your own parents, don't deem you important enough to get to know. I spent my life watching people leave, moving into hotels when Mom decided to detox after she got dumped again. I've never known stable, and I can't... I can't even let myself be open with my friends. I let myself screw up everything up, so that it can't be fixed, so that when people, at least I can blame it on that. It hurts less that way."

Then she turned again and looked me in the eyes, and seen the emptiness shining back at me, and at that instant all I wanted to do was hold her. Hold her, and shield her from everything that had ever hurt her. Not let anything else ever because that look on her face, as is she had nothing, it hurt me more than anything else. And that's when I got it. Truly got it, I had always thought Serena of being the broken little girl, but maybe she never got over it. She just got better at hiding the cracks.

"Nate, I don't get why you're here. I've been so horrible to you. You want to know something funny? When I left for boarding school, I used to think about coming back. Coming back, and seeing you. I don't know, I always thought if we ever got together, that would be the one that would stick. I had the best time with you. But I still couldn't talk about how I felt. And it ruined everything, and then I left, which is a definite contender for the most stupid thing I've ever done. But I had to."

And as much as I could see shad more to say I had to cut in there. I tried to fight it but the months of repressed anger got a bit too much again and it came out before I could stop it. "You had to? What do you mean you had to? I would have done anything for you. I know you where upset with me, but I was trying to do what I thought was best for you. I knew how much he hurt you in the past, and I thought if he left with an excuse it would hurt less than if he just left again."

"I know." She whispered. "And I'm sorry for letting you think that was why, but honestly I got scared. I got scared that, and I know this sounds stupid, but I wasn't scared. I didn't mind if things got serious, and I freaked. I never was that girl, I was the floaty one who done short-term relationships. I never wanted long-term, that's when you get hurt. And I realised that I love you, and I just got scared. I didn't know what to do, so I did the one thing that I could count on. I ran."

"You ran because you loved me?" I asked to clarify. She merely nodded at me, as we lapsed into silence. She loved me. But wait she said love, as in present tense. I was going to say something when the nurse walked in, and paused when she seen me.

"Young man, visiting hours are over." She reprimanded.

"I'm sorry. I was just checking on my cousin. I needed to see if she was OK." I lied. "But you're right. I need to go."

I turned back to Serena then, and smiled at her softly. "I'll see you tomorrow." And while I had planned to just leave after that, but I leaned down and placed a soft kiss on her head first. I seen her blink up at me in surprise, but I couldn't take looking into her beautiful blue eyes without getting lost in them. So I muttered goodbye and left. I stood outside the hospital, leaning against the building trying to digest what had happened since I got there. All I knew for sure was that I believe Serena when she said she didn't do it, which meant I had a lot to do before I went back to the hospital tomorrow.

* * *

_**Serena's P.O.V **_

He believed me! He actually listened when I said that I didn't know what happened that night. It took him so long to get here, but at that moment, I didn't actually care. He might have taken longest to get here, but he cared enough to listen. More than that, he actually believed what I had to say. Even if I had to go to Ostroff tomorrow, at least I knew there was one other person, and Dan, who would think I shouldn't be there. So with that, I fell asleep happy. That was until I got woken up by someone shaking me. My eyes fluttered open, and I groaned as the bright light of the room hit my eyes. That's when I seen the people staring back at me. Blair, who had woke me up, was next to me, Chuck was leaning against the door and Nate was sitting in the chair.

"Urm... hi." I said looking around trying to figure out what was going on. But as usual they let nothing away through their facial expressions. "Why are you all here?"

"Because Nathaniel here, insisted we listen to you." Chuck explained.

"Nate, seems to believe you when you say you didn't do anything on that night. And when looking back, after everything, I don't think you'd do anything to hurt me and Chuck. I was just angry, and I don't know, you'd been acting weird all day. I'm..."

"It's fine Blair." I smiled. And maybe it wasn't, but who was I to hold a grudge? She forgave me, when I betrayed her in the worst way possible. She even had reason to not believe me, and I may still be hurt but I could use all the friends I could get right now.

"No it's not S." She replied sitting down next to me on the bed. "But I promise to help you find whoever did this to you, and make them pay. We might be allowed to scheme against others, but I will not let anyone hurt those I care about."

"And that's why we're all thankful we're your friends." I laughed. "But seriously? Do we have a plan yet?"

They all exchanged looks and avoided my gaze. "Well I'll take that as a no."

"It's not that we don't have a plan, it's just that we think we might have an idea as to where to start." Blair started. "We got some help from an unlikely source."

"I'm not getting hints here." I laughed, then seen their looks. "Seriously? You guys are actually not going to tell me what you know. I'm in hospital you know. And if I don't have something I can Mom, then I'm going to be going to the Ostroff centre!"

That's when I seen their awkward looks again. "You guys want me to go?" I asked looking around at them all. "But you said you believe me!"

"We do sis." Chuck said from his place next to the door. "It just might be safer for you to stay there while we deal with some problems."

"Problems?" I asked.

"Finding the person who did this to you." Blair said, and I seen the subtle glance at Nate. I followed her gaze and for the first time seen his facial expression. He looked angry, disappointed and slightly pale. And as much as it was horrible to do so, getting answers from Nate was my best bet.

"Chuck, Blair could you two get me some more magazines please? I know I got some yesterday, but I read them all. And it's not like there's much else to do here."

They debated it inwardly, and I could almost see them trying to analyse what could go wrong if they left the two of us together. It may be hard to see from the outside, but the four of us knew that Nate was the worst liar out the four of us. Eventually they left us alone, and I turned to Nate, who to his credit was looking anywhere but me. After a while of him playing the avoidance game, I sighed.

"Spill it, Archibald."

He looked up to me then laughter dancing in his eyes. "Last name's? Really VanDerWoodsen?"

"I'll upgrade you to first name if you tell me?"

He shook his head as the laughter in his eyes died. Was it really that bad? Blair and Chuck seemed mad, but Nate now looked guilty?

"Nate, tell me. Please." I pleaded. "I think I deserve to know why I'm here! What I done that was so bad, that someone felt the need to do this. Nate please, I can't stand not knowing. How would you feel if you were me? It has to be someone close to me, who else would know exactly what to do, to hurt me the most?"

He reached out and placed his hand over mine "Serena, I promise, we're not going to let anything happen to you. I'll stay by your side if that's what it took. If it gets to that point, we'll act as personal body guards. But we don't know the full story yet, or exactly how many people were involved."

"Wait what?" I asked. "How many people? There was more than one?"

He looked at me sheepishly. "We... we know three so far. But, I know at least one of them won't try anything again. They were the one who told us what had happened, or at least as much as she knew."

"She?" I clarified, then seen him blush. "So one of three is a she, who won't do it again, and would be the aforementioned unlikely source. Who Blair seems to have a distaste for. Which is weird because the only person I know who she hates that much is..."

I trailed off when I seen Nate's face. Or more the top of his head, considering his gaze was transfixed on the floor. "Nate. Who was the unlikely source?"

He stayed quite but when he looked up at me eventually I seen the answers written in his eyes. I shook my head and let my head fall against my pillows.

"So, just to clarify, it was Jenny."

"I didn't say..."

"Nate, you're useless at lying. Please don't. So, someone who helped put me here, is probably at my Mom's, sleeping in my room, while I'm stuck here. You know, it sucks when your mother prefers to believe your back-stabbing, lying, manipulate, stepsister instead of you."

"Serena, I know she's done some thing's but she's not that bad." He said, and I scoffed looking at him in astonishment.

"Excuse me? She helped put me in here. She chose being queen B, over the person who was meant to be her best friend. I should have killed her when she upset Erik. I wanted to, he convinced me not to. And there was all the rubbish she pulled with us last year."

I broke off then, the anger from last year flooding back. I remembered walking into his suite, to see Jenny reaching over towards him, and all I could do was think that maybe he deserved someone else. Someone who you know, wouldn't randomly desert him at a wedding to go see their father, who made it pretty clear they don't care about the person. Or see maybe the one person he actually hates, while telling him they were at family lunch.

"Natie?" I said softly.

"You haven't called me that since we were kids." He laughed. "But what is it S."

"Do you think it's best I go to Ostroff for a while?"

"Blair and Chuck said..."

"No! I don't want to know what they think, I know what they think. I want to know what you think."

He looked me in the eyes then, and gave me his protective smile "I would feel better if you did. I know you don't need to be there, but at least they would have methods of keeping you safe, and we don't know where to find the main problem, so at least there I could count on the fact that you would at least be safe."

"I don't want to go Natie." I whispered.

"I know. But even we can't sneak you out of a hospital, especially not when we both know Lily will be here shortly."

"Oh yes, she never does let the chance to remind me of much of a disappointment I am pass. You know she should record the lecture, it would be a lot easier for her."

"You know it's only her way of showing she cares."

"She told me I'd never change." I said suddenly. "It's like no matter how hard I try, she's never going to see any of my achievements. She'll just be waiting for me to mess. Do you know hard that is? Knowing everyone you care about is just waiting for you to mess up? I know you have it hard to live up to everyone's expectations, but at least people expect good things from you. I'll always be the messed up teenager."

"I don't see you like that." Nate said, and I looked at him with a look that showed my disbelief. "I don't. I still see some parts of that girl. I see the fact that you still behind the facade you spent so long building. But more than that, I see the girl who would do anything for her friends, I see the girl who would die for her brother, I see the girl who isn't afraid to try no matter how much she might fail. I see the girl that worked so hard to change. And S, I see the girl who doubts that she has. I think out of everyone you've tried so hard to convince, you still don't believe you have. It would hurt less if you were truly honest with us, didn't it help when everything about Pete came out?"

"There are some things that would make everyone hate me." I replied as the memories played out in my head.

"Serena, there is nothing you could ever do to make us hate you. There's nothing you could ever do to make me hate you."

"I..." was about to tell him that there was some things that would changed the way they all looked at me, when the door opened suddenly.

"Serena, I think we need to talk. Don't you?" My mother asked, I looked over her shoulder and seen Erik, Rufus, Dan and... Jenny! Are you kidding me? She was just going to stand there as if she had done nothing wrong. OK, so I might not know exactly what she had done, but still. But I didn't have time to focus on that, I had to deal with my mother.

"Do you want me to stay?" Nate whispered.

I shook my head. "Someone needs to go and check to see if Chuck and Blair have killed each other yet. And no-one else will get away with it."

He nodded and placed a soft kiss on my head, and I couldn't help the flutter that appeared when he did. I smiled as he left, pretending not to notice the disappointed look on Dan's face. There was no pretending not to notice the sheer look of anger on Mom's face though.

"Would you care to explain, just exactly what you were thinking?" I would say she asked, but it really was more of a demand. I looked to Jenny who was still standing next to the door, not saying anything. Well fine, if she wasn't going to say anything I would!

"Serena, I want an explination!" Mom demanded again.

"And I'll tell you." I replied. "Or how about we have the person who actually knows what happened explain it?"

"Serena, you're not making any sense. If this is your way of trying to get out of..."

"I'm not getting out of anything." I said. "Jenny, care to explain what happened that night. Considering you know more than me?"


	3. I miss us

**Serena's P.O.V**

"Why would Jenny know more than you?" Erik asked eventually breaking the silence that had elapsed over us. I let my gaze flicker to him for a moment, before looking back at Jenny. Who to her credit, was putting on a good job of looking like she was sorry. But if she was that apologetic, then she would have told someone in this room what happened, and saved me from the inquisition.

"I'm sorry." She whispered eventually "But I swear I never about of this. You were never meant to get hurt, it was only meant to be a joke."

"A joke? You must have some screwed up sense of humour if this was meant to be funny. And I know screwed up, Chuck Bass is one of my best friends."

"I know, but it wasn't meant to go this far. It was only meant to teach you a lesson."

"Would either of you care to explain what's going on?" Mom interrupted.

"I think Jenny just was." I replied then spoke to Jenny again "So it wasn't meant to go this far? How far was it meant to go exactly?"

Her gaze went over to the other people in the room, but I wasn't going to let that stop me. She had everyone in here believing the worst in me, why shouldn't they know the worst in her? Why shouldn't I know what she had done to me? But I knew how awful it was to have your whole family doubt you, but I needed to know what had happened. She turned back to me eventually, and at the sorrow in her eyes, I almost felt sorry for her. Almost.

"It was just meant to be a joke." She repeated. "Make you see that not everyone loves Serena. I pulled the curtain on Chuck on and Blair. And... Juliet kissed Nate and Dan. We seen the pictures of you getting into the cab, and got copies of your dress."

"Wait, Juliet?" I asked. "You and Juliet? But you've been out of the city for most of the time she's been here."

"Jenny?" Rufus asked "I think we need to talk. Alone."

She looked towards me "I am so sorry Serena. I never would have done anything if I thought it was going to end up like this. I hope you can forgive me."

With that she and Rufus left the room, Dan now looked like he felt out of place, Mom looked frozen in place like she couldn't believe what she was hearing and Erik came to sit next to mine, smiling slightly at me.

"I'm sorry." He said "I'm so sorry for thinking that..."

"No, I'm sorry." I cut him off "You believing me, it's always been enough, always will be enough. I am so sorry that I said it wasn't. Because of course it's enough, you're one of my favourite people, and we never really needed anyone else did we?"

"No." He smiled. "It used to be us against the world."

"Yeah, I'm sorry we lost that. And I'm sorry I left when you needed me. I've been a pretty rotten sister these past few years. Forgive me?"

"Only if you forgive me, for doubting you."

"Deal." I laughed, as he hugged me. Well as best as he could with the monitors still attached. He pulled back, and I changed a glance at Mom. I knew I wasn't getting an apology from her, admitting she was wrong was never her forte. But it was Dan who spoke next.

"I knew you wouldn't do it."

"Thanks." I said, not knowing what else to say. What was I meant to say? That the boy with lighter hair, and the most amazing eyes, saying that he believed me meant more? That him believing me, might always mean more? That I was less mad at Jenny for what she did to me, than for her trying to worm her way in between me and Nate?

"Serena, are you alright?" he asked, caring etched into his voice.

"Yeah. It's just a little much to take in." I lied, and it was a good thing that I had so much practice at it, because I don't think he even doubted my explanation for a second. Erik, however did pick up on it, if the twinkle in his eye was anything to go by.

"I'm going to go and see if I can find Dad and Jenny." He said before walking out, pausing at the door to look back once more, then walking away. Leaving Mom to be the only one left to say something. I felt Erik's reassuring hand squeeze as Mom began to speak.

"Apparently I was wrong to believe that you had taken drugs, this time. Though, you cannot blame me for choosing to believe you had fallen back into old habits. And I know you two think that I am the world's worst mother, but you don't know hard it was. I know I wasn't there for you two, but you don't know what it was like."

"Are you really playing the martyr card now?" I laughed wryly. "Because I don't think you get to use that right now."

"Serena." She sighed "I am trying to explain, so please let me talk. I was referring to getting calls to say your teenage daughter was in some run down bar, and was too drunk or worse to make her way home. Then in those instances knowing that you wouldn't be able to stop anything else happing to you, and in those places you went to, the worst doesn't bear thinking about. And Erik... knowing you felt low enough to try to kill yourself, and that I didn't even know, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. Both of you."

I looked towards Erik and seen him looking as shocked as I felt. After so many years, she actually gave us as much of an apology as she would ever give. But at the same time, I began to feel bad. My partying was partly trying to get attention and partly to numb everything else away. And I never thought (or if I was being honest: cared) what Mom must have been going through. Even when Blair had her little freak out over not getting into collage, I was so worried about her, and what I done was so much worse, I guess it never fully registered how much they must have gone through.

"And I am not making excuses." She continued. "If I had been there when you where growing up, maybe none of this would have happened. And Serena, I guess there is no need for you to go to the Ostroff centre, so when you are released would you like come home? Stay with family for a few days before going back to Blair's?"

I thought about it for a moment. B wasn't going to be around much the next few days, and from what they said earlier, they weren't going to let me help in their take-down, well at least not until they were sure it was safe. "I can't. I can't go back to the apartment, knowing Jenny's going to be there."

"Serena, I'm sure if I explain to Rufus that you want to come home, that he can arrange for Jenny not to be there. I put so much in front of you two; I'm not going to do it again."

"Can you go and get me some water please?" I asked, needing to talk to Erik.

"Yes." She supplied sounding put off at my reaction to her statement, and to be honest so would I. But I needed to talk to my brother about something, he was always the one who helped me out, even if he was younger and I was meant to be the one helping him. Mom left closing the door behind her, and I seen Nate trying to crane his head to see inside the room, I smiled softly to let him know I was OK, right before it swung shut.

"I think I have a problem." I said to Erik.

"Do I get to know the details?"

"Promise not to laugh?"

"Never. Unless it's ridiculous."

"Helpful E, really." I mocked. "I think... No I know... I'm not Jenny about what she done to make me end up here. Well a small part of me is."

"It's OK to be mad Serena. It was an awful thing which she did to you."

"I know. But I'm just not that mad, but I am still so angry at her. I can't get her trying to kiss Nate out of my head. And I know this seems worse, but the other bit just hurts so much more. Does that make any sense?"

"Well that depends." He said.

"On?"

"Your answer to a question. Go with me on this, just say the first thing to come to your head."

"Erik, I don't think playing a game will help right now."

"For me?" he asked.

"Fine I sighed."

"Ok, so it's easy, I'll give you two words and you just have to say which you prefer. So the first one, Paris or London?"

"Paris." I replied.

"Too hot or too cold?"

"Too hot."

"Tea or coffee?"

"Coffee."

"English or history."

"English."

"Lunch or dinner."

"Lunch."

"High school or college."

"College."

"Fruit or vegetables."

"Fruit."

"Skirt or trousers?"

"Skirt."

"Cab or bus."

"Cab."

"Nate or Dan?"

"Nate." I didn't quite catch on, until I seen his face.

"And I think that answers why you're still mad at Jenny. Be honest with me, if you came back from Paris, and Nate and Dan were both single, and baby-less. Who would you have picked?"

"Nate." I said "I still love him. I guess a part of me always will, but I can't love him. It's not fair. And did you seen Dan's face when Nate kissed my head earlier? I don't want to hurt him."

"But it's not fair to let him think he has a chance, when you already love someone else. And why can't you love Nate?"

"Because I hurt him." I whispered. "I always hurt him, I never mean to, but I always do. Being with him scares me, it's like... I don't need to hide any of me, because he's seen me at my worst, not being able to stand up, bent over Blair's sink, and he still doesn't care. But I always hurt him, leave him, when he done nothing to merit it. I shouldn't be allowed to be in relationships. Especially not when I actually care about the person. I couldn't handle it when he was mad at me, I could manage not being with him, but I could never handle it if he didn't even want to talk to me."

"Serena, I love you. But that's just dumb." Erik said "Shouldn't be allowed to be in relationships? I mean that should be true with some of the people you pick, but I have never seen you happier than when you were with Nate. You just didn't seem to be hiding so much."

I gave him a side smile, and was about to say something else when the door creaked open and Mom walked back in, handing me a bottle of water. I thanked her, as she took a couple of steps back.

"Erik, I think we should go now. We'll be back later, I just need to pick up some clothes for you, and think about coming home. And there are a couple of people out there who want to see you, and one I'm sure can't wait anymore. Goodbye Serena."

"Bye S." Erik smiled.

"I'll see you later." I smiled, as the door closed not that it was such for long though, before Blair and Nate came busting through, followed by a much calmer Chuck. I smiled at them all, it really was weird how much I needed the three of them. Were we dysfunctional? Always. Did it work? More than anything else I've ever known.

* * *

**Nate's P.O.V**

It didn't take me long to located Chuck and Blair, who were already arguing over battle plans. They hadn't bother finding what Serena asked for, considering we all knew she didn't really want anything. But I was only half listing to them, ready to interrupt if they began disrupting any of the other's in the waiting room, though my thoughts remained firmly with the smile that could always melt my heart. Or more the fact that she was in there with Dan, I know that the rest of her family were there but none of them happened to love her, in that way. And doesn't that sound weird? See doesn't that prove why she shouldn't be with him? And now I'm picking faults in one of my friends, well I suppose I'm not saying anything bad about him, but dating your stepsister is wrong, no matter if you have history or not.

"Nate!" I heard Blair call in a way that insinuated that it was the first time that she had spoken my name, and now she was annoyed, and any smart person who lives on the UES, knows that's never good.

"Sorry, what were you saying?"

"Nothing you seem to be interested in." She remarked, then seen where my gaze had fallen back to. "You know, no matter how hard you try you're not actually going to burn holes in that door."

"Or wordlessly convince the girl to come out." Chuck said.

It was at that moment that we seen Jenny come out, tears shining in her eyes, with Rufus walking next to her. The angry look on his face told the three of us that he clearly knew about Jenny's part in the plan, and that meant Serena did too, it was just a matter of how much she now knew. I couldn't the help the smile that appeared on my face when I seen Dan leave her room.

"Should one of us go and help?" I asked suddenly. "She won't want to be alone with Lily, and I know Erik's there but still, and Chuck you're kind of family, can't you go and see her? Make sure she's OK."

I seen the two of them glance at each other "What?" I asked.

"Nate, I know we're all upset about Serena." Blair started. "And I know it brings back bad memories, but..."

"Are you still in love with my sister?" Chuck cut in, then heard Blair's protest about how she was going to ask. He just shrugged back "You were taking too long. So Nathaniel, we would both like to know, are you still in love with Serena."

"I... Don't be..." I tried to protest, but the honest truth was I couldn't. It was pointless, they two knew better than most what my tells were, and I was sure they already knew what the answer was. "Maybe."

"Maybe?" Blair repeated. "You maybe love Serena again..."

She paused when Lily walked out of the room, and refused to speak again until she was out of earshot. I however used the time Blair was quite to look into Serena's room, I seen her give me a small smile, telling me that she was OK. Then Blair continued "Nate, you can't maybe love someone. It's sort of a yes or no question."

"And we know which one it is, do you?" Chuck added.

"It's not that simple." I sighed. "I mean you two love each and that didn't exactly work out. And I know it was complicated, but so were me and Serena. Not as much, but there was still issues there. Do you have any idea what it's like to be with someone you know is in so much pain, but you can't do anything to help because they won't let anyone acknowledge the fact that they're in pain? Or give so much of yourself to someone who won't let you any further that most people see? I know she lets us see more than anyone else, but I think she's still hiding something. Something big. And I don't think she'll ever let us see that."

"What makes you say that?" Blair asked.

"Just something she said earlier." I muttered, thinking back to how broken she looked. Like at that moment a feather could have made her crumble. And that thought scared me, even in her weakest moments she hated seeming like that, so whatever she was thinking about had to be really bad.

"You haven't answered the question." Chuck pointed out.

"Fine!" I sighed eventually, leave it to me to have the two most stubborn people in the world as best friends. "Yes, I still love her. And yes, it kills me to think of her in that room. And I may have hated Dan for showing up that night. But none of that means that anything should happen."

"Not even if she loves you too?" Blair asked softly.

"Everyone can see it." Chuck nodded. "Evidentially not you two."

"So what am I supposed to say? Hey, even after everything I still love you. I hate that someone hurt you so much, that I can't even begin to describe how angry I am?"

"Sounds like a good place to start." Chuck said "Not how I would do it of course. I would..."

"We all know what you'd do." Blair snapped, as we both turned to her, she gave a small laugh "Nate, I know you and Serena. And yes, she may be screwed up, but I have never seen either of you happier than when you were together. And I know her leaving hit you hard, but she needed time by herself. Otherwise she would have ruined everything even more, and you know it's true. Not many people do self-sabotage as well as she does. Or as often."

"I know that. I just don't know if I can live through it again." I shrugged.

Blair placed her hand over mine, and I looked at her. "Can you live without it?"

Well my honest answer was no. To know that I would never wake up next to her again or that I wouldn't get to wrap my arms around her or know that when I got in from class she would be there. I had always had fantasies of being with Serena, but in those everything went right, there was no issues, Serena finally opened up about everything, and to be honest I wasn't willing to let that go yet. It's not like we're pensioners and in time I just thought everything would work out. But maybe that was being unfair to her. Was it fair to compare her to idealisms, to expect so much from her when I knew that she wasn't ready?

"No." I said when I realised that they were both expecting an answer.

"And the only person who doesn't know that is the one who should." Chuck pointed out.

"As much as it pains me, and it does, I agree with Chuck. You helped us enough, with that stupid scheme you and S pulled a few weeks back with the treaty. I mean it didn't work out exactly as planned, but that wasn't your fault. So let us help you. Because let's face, it takes a lot to knock sense into S."

"Lily." Chuck said, as she walked back up the corridor. She looked at us for a second, and then opened the door to Serena's room.

"So, what am I meant to do? Just go in there, and say that I love her? The problems would still be there, nothing will have changed."

"Isn't she worth the chance?" Blair asked. "If you love her, like you say, shouldn't you at least try again?"

"What if we only had one chance? Or what if we only have chance left? Shouldn't it wait until we're both ready for it? When we're not going to do something stupid to mess it up?"

"Are you seriously going to wait until Serena isn't screwed up?" Blair laughed. "Because I love the girl, but if you wait for that to happen, you'll never get her back."

I was about to say something else when Lily walked out of the room with Erik following her.

"Is she OK?" I asked immediately. "Because none of this is her fault, and it wouldn't be fair..."

"Nathaniel, I know that Serena was not at fault this time. And I think she would like to see her friends just now. Please don't stay too long though, she has had a tough couple of days and she needs her rest."

I was almost sure there was more to this speech, but both me and Blair had already stood up and were at the door already. We almost fell into the room, as Chuck walked in behind us. Blair sat on Serena's bed, while Chuck and I took the seats next to it.

"That was a graceful entrance guys. But really there's no need to fight to see me, it's not like I'm going anywhere without a doctor's say so." She smiled.

"Funny, S." Blair said. "Since Lily knows, I'm guessing Ostroff is out of the question, which begs the question where will you spend tomorrow? We're all busy, I could make Dorota stay with you!"

"It's OK B." She said softly "I think I'm going to stay with Mom and Erik for a few days. I missed my little brother, and I said some horrible things to E, he was probably the only one I actually hurt that night. I just want some happy time with him, without anything else being mixed into it. I do have one question though."

"What is it?" I asked cautiously, that glint in her eye, never led to anything good.

"Jenny said that she was working with Juliet, but considering I'm not even sure they spent any time together, can you please just tell me who the missing link is? Come on, if you guys don't tell me, I can just ask Jenny, or Gossip Girl will post something, shouldn't you three be the ones to tell me?"

We looked at each other, she did have us there, and considering she knew the one person who seemed hell bent on destroying everything Serena has, was it really too much to tell her the last person.

"Chuck, we never got those things S asked for. Don't you think we should?"

Chuck nodded, following her to the door, pausing to give me a look. And I understood what he meant, to tell her how I felt. When I turned back, Serena had her head slightly tilted looking at me with a sly smile.

"So... Who was it?"

"Vanessa." I said bluntly not sure how else to phrase it, and while I had always liked Vanessa, in my book anyone who hurts Serena, Blair or Chuck would have to work extremely hard to be my friend again. At the risk of sounding like a girl, they were the most important people to me, the people who were there, when even my family weren't. The people who know what you're thinking before you do, the people you can say anything to and they would never find it strange.

"Vanessa? But what did I ever do to her?" she asked then paused. "Dan?"

I shrugged choosing to ignore the stab of pain that shot through me. It was the only reasonable conclusion to come to. But that didn't mean, I liked picturing Serena with Dan.

"Well that makes no sense. I only ever tried to be nice to her. She never did like me though, not since I was with Dan when she came. But I thought that we could at least be civil over the years, especially since I don't love Dan anymore."

And while a part of me registered that Serena was still talking I couldn't focus. She didn't love Dan anymore, and yesterday she said she loved me. But that was just clutching to straws right? There was no way she still felt the same, she ran away after I talked to her that night after the ballet. Or did that mean she did care? She never ran away for no reason, she ran away when she was feeling too much, and if she didn't love Dan... I looked back up at her to find her staring at me with arms crossed.

"You know when I talk it's normally not for my benefit. I know what I think." Her mad tone would have worked had I not seen the laughter dancing her eyes.

"I'm sorry, S. I promise you now have my undivided attention." I faked bowed, being reward with one of her infectious bouts of giggles.

"As it should." She smiled "I missed this. Just being us, I mean. No drama, just getting to act like kids. I missed being that free. Had to pretend too many times this year. But I missed you, so much! I was just afraid to say. I'm sorry I didn't try harder to fix things. You know something? This is the second holiday season that I have spent in hospital, let's hope bad things don't happen in three's!"

"Yeah." I said. And I certainly hoped we didn't have to do this again next year. Seeing her in a hospital bed, just wasn't right. Nothing had ever slowed Serena down, so why should the machines? She shouldn't look so vulnerable, not when she was one of the strongest people I know. And the only one that I love.

"Serena I need to talk to you. I need to tell you something impor..." I never got to finish the sentence as a flustered Blair opened the door. "Blair I was just telling Serena important, and I would like to do it alone."

"No time." She said "Chuck's P.I knows where Juliet is. We need to go now before she leaves again."

I looked back to Serena, I needed to tell her how I felt, but more than that I needed her to be safe. She just shrugged at me.

"Go, I'm sure whatever it is will still be important tomorrow. And it's really not going to help anyone to make Blair mad."

I nodded, and followed Blair out as we met up with Chuck. They began talking about plans, but all I could think about was making sure that Juliet never hurt Serena again. Let her know that I won't ever allow her to be able to hurt Serena like that again. Because messing with me is one thing, but what no-one gets is that if you mess with one of us, you get the wrath of the four of us. And I for one would not like to be on the receiving end of that.


	4. Never let you be upset

**Nate's P.O.V **

She doesn't love Dan. She doesn't love him. The thought shouldn't make me as happy as it did, especially not now, not when we were on our way to find the person who had caused her so much pain over the last couple of weeks. I felt my phone buzz in my pocket, and ignoring Blair and Chuck's looks, I opened the text.

_Hey! Going to Mom's now. Hope ur OK. E says to say hi! xx_

I smiled; at least she was getting out of hospital and going somewhere safe. I just hoped things worked out for her, it's not like Serena and Lily being alone has ever really worked. But I knew some part of Serena (deep, deep down) wanted to be close to her Mom, she just didn't know how to get there. I looked back over at the other two, and seen their knowing looks. I really hate how much they can read me like a book sometimes...

"Serena says she's leaving for Lily's and that Erik says hi." I informed them.

"And you're not the least bit worried that Humphrey might be there?" Blair asked.

Serena's sentence of "I don't love Dan" flickered through my head, and said the only answer I could "No."

"Really?" she asked.

"She said she doesn't love him."

"We knew that." Chuck cut in.

Blair gave him her patented 'shut up' look, and then turned to face me again. "I could have told you that. Serena doesn't really do as good a job of hiding things as she thinks she does. Besides, there was always something about you and S, something that Brooklyn could never even really picture. He just doesn't seem to get it. No matter how much he, or his sister play pauper, they're never going to really understand how our world works."

"Dan is still my friend. You do know that right." I pointed out.

"Yes." Blair rolled her eyes. "Maybe you'll realise your lapse in judgement soon as well."

"I agree with Blair." Chuck added "If this year has taught us anything, it's that nothing good comes from associating with those Brooklyn pretenders."

"I think that's an exaggeration." I said, feeling a fleeting need to defend them, even if I am not exactly any of their biggest fans right now. I could go without seeing any of them again at this current moment. Except of course to re-enforce that none of them are ever going to hurt Serena again. And from the looks of my companions, I knew my feeble statement didn't have any impact whatsoever.

"How long do we have left?" I asked, needing to change the subject.

"Two hours." Chuck replied.

"But it'll be worth it." Blair said darkly. "I don't know how, but I am going to make her pay for what she did to Serena. What she did to everyone actually, but she needs to know that no-one hurts S, especially like that, without consequences."

"Blair, let's not get carried away." Chuck said. "After you two do whatever it is you need to do, we will eloquently remind her, that she is never to step foot in the city, let alone near Serena again."

Despite acting like it was only me and Blair who wanted revenge, we both knew otherwise. As much as he joked about it, he did view Serena as his sister, I think she's the only girl he's ever been friends with without having slept with her. Even last year, when he loathed going to the hospital after his father's death, he still came with me and Blair. To be honest it had always been the four of us, and it really was all Serena's fault.

_I walked into kindergarten feeling nervous. My nanny was standing next to me, and I looked around the other kids in the room. I had never really played with other kids before and to be honest the fact there was so many was sort of daunting. _

"_Please take me home?" I asked. "I promise I'll be good. And really quiet." _

"_I'm sure you'll make lots of friends Nate." She reassured me "Now let's see if we can find your teacher." _

"_Don't want to." I pouted but walked behind her anyway. And that's when I seen her. Her bright hair seemed to stand out a mile off, from those with darker hair surrounding her. "Can I go and see someone?" _

"_Of course Nate. I'll just let your teacher know that you're here." _

_I walked over to the girl and seen she was colouring in, she had her head tilted and was biting a corner of her lip. I wanted to say hello, but I couldn't seem to. Then she finished and sat back up beaming at her picture, then noticed me. _

"_Hi!" she smiled. "I'm Serena! What's your name?" _

"_Nate." I replied. "I like your name it's pretty." _

_She giggled as her cheeks turned red. "Thank you. Is it OK if I call you Natie? I like it better." _

_I would have answered but she had moved on already. "I'm finished now. Do you want to go play some blocks with me? My Daddy used to play them with me. Then he went away. But it's OK, I have my little brother, he's little though. Do you have any little people in your family?" _

_I shook my head. There was just something intoxicating about her, even then, as if she was the only thing that could keep you alive. Then her eyes lit up when she seen someone. _

"_That's Blair!" she squealed. "She's my bestest friend ever. I met her last week!" _

_She ran over then, dragging me with her. "Blair, this is Natie!" _

"_Nate." I corrected. _

"_Hi." The other girl said shyly. "I'm Blair. But Serena said that." _

"_We were going to play with the blocks." Serena said, even if I didn't say yes. "Do you want to come?" _

_Blair nodded and Serena's other hand grasped Blair's as she pulled both of us along skipping by herself, until we reached the blocks when we seen someone already there, having built a skyscraper model, one that no other person our age could have made. And he was wearing a suit which was slightly weird._

"_Hello." He said politely although guarded. _

"_Hi!" Serena said first, followed by me and Blair "Can we play too?" _

_After a while, he nodded, and then Serena giggled slightly. _

"_I don't know you're name." She smiled. _

"_It's Chuck." _

"_I'm Serena." _

"_I'm Blair." _

"_I'm Nate." _

_And as we sat down and done what we did best, just be us. And in that simple first encounter, came the best friendships I have ever known._

I mean it's not like we didn't have our problems, because everyone knew that we did. We fought, we hurt each other but we stood by each other when the other person truly needed it. And we always would, because that's just what we done. Even when the other person wasn't exactly happy about it.

_I walked into the bar, and seen her immediately. The bartender had called me from her phone, and asked if I could come and pick her up. Of course I said yes, we had spent the last two hours walking around her normal hangouts to see if we could find her. I told Blair to go home, and that I would take care of Serena, which almost started with punching the man who's hand was resting far too high on her thigh. _

"_Serena." I called, causing her to turn round and smile drunkenly at me. _

"_Na... Natie." She giggled stumbling up to me. "This is... This is... I don't know... Can we get a drink... One with a prettiful umbrella. But there too small to work." She was pouting at the end. _

"_I know." I said softly. "How about we get you home? And we can get anything you want." _

_She shook her head trying to walk away but she tumbled and reached out to me to stabilise herself. And then she buried her head in my shoulder. _

"_Don't want to go home. Mom's with boyfriend a million and she said some horrible things about me. Don't make me go home. Pwetty please." She looked up at me so hopefully, and considering how much she was stumbling (in both words and walking) it probably was best to take her somewhere else. And considering my parents were out of town... _

"_OK S, why don't we go back to my house?" _

"_Don't want to go. Want to stay, dance with me!" she said randomly, lifting my left arm up and spinning under it. She began singing along with the song, but it was slurred, but she still kept spinning._

"_Let me stay?" she asked eventually, so softly I almost failed to hear her. _

"_Yeah, let her stay." The man said, the one who had earlier had his hand on her, who was now wearing a creepy smile. "There's no problem with letting her stay." _

"_I think there is." I shot back, not even attempting to hide the anger in my voice. Serena, who now had her arms wrapped and was swaying slightly with the music, was clearly in no state to make any decisions. Something I was sure he was counting on. _

"_Natie?" Serena said softly. "I feel sick." _

"_OK, why don't we go back to mine, and then I'll fix you up a nice drink?" Well I wasn't technically lying, water is a drink isn't it? _

_She nodded against me, and I placed my arms around my waist. I had time to call Blair later, getting Serena away from anyone who would take advantage of her. I walked her out and helped her into the taxi I had waiting, then getting in myself. The driver gave a curt nod, and then began to drive back. _

"_Natie?" _

"_Yeah S?" _

"_I don't like when you come get me." _

"_Why?" _

"_Because then you make me stop drinking, and I have to feel again. And I don't like that. Feeling hurts, I don't like it. I just want to be happy. Will I be happy Natie?" _

_And I swear I seen so much hope in her eyes, so much like the innocent child she used to be before everything feel apart, and it hurt to hear her say that. Hear her say that she's not happy, because that's what she was meant to epitomise, the ultimate party girl who always had a smile on her face. Except we knew better, on times like this we seen the little girl she still was, the one who would never admit it but believed in fairytales. _

"_Yeah, you will be S." I said as she rested her head on my shoulder. "I promise, I'll never let you be upset." _

Of course there are promises you can never keep, there are promises you try your hardest to keep but fail at anyway. And as much as I could I wanted to keep that promise more than anything. We all had problems in our lives, things that we never cared to share until they got too much and everything seems to explode in our faces. But it was worse with Serena; she tried to hide her real feelings even to herself. Although she would never let any of us feel upset. Actually it was on one of those days that I realised I loved her.

"_Natie?" her voice called out around the house. _

"_In my room." I called back. _

_I heard her coming up, mostly due to her heels colliding with the floor, and then I seen the door open slightly almost like she was asking permission to come in, giving me time to tell her walk away. _

"_Hey." She smiled when she finally opened the door all the way. "Do you mind if I stay here for a while? Blair's not in, and I don't really want to talk to Mom. I haven't exactly been home since yesterday at lunch, and I just don't feel like the lecture yet." _

"_You're always welcome here, you know that." _

_She just shrugged, throwing her bag away and sitting on my bed, and that's when I seen what she was wearing. A dress that didn't leave much (if anything) to the imagination. But she had re-done her make-up and her hair fell in that messy way that only she could look amazing. I shook my head slightly, and got out one of my t-shirts, and threw it at her. _

"_Here. Something new to wear." _

"_Oh Natie! How did you know!" she laughed. But took it anyway. "I'll be back in a minute." _

_And she was back within that time, and I hated how good she made that look. Her messy hair, coupled with my t-shirt, and her long legs... But I wasn't allowed to have these thoughts. I was meant to be with Blair. That's what everyone had always told me, to be honest sometimes now, it didn't feel like a relationship more like a business agreement. _

"_Hey." She said softly sitting next to me. "Are you OK? Is this because of last week? Because I'm really sorry that I accidently... you know threw up on your shoes." _

"_No that's not it." I smiled. _

"_Want to tell me what it is?" she asked. "Come on, if you don't tell me, I'll be forced to start singing, and you know I can't." _

"_S..." _

_She made a show of opening her mouth and taking in a deep breath __"__Sometimes in our lives we all have pain..."_

"_OK, OK, you win." I said trying to shush her. _

_She giggled slightly then looked at me properly, concern shining in her blue eyes. "So tell me what it is? If it's bad, it can't be worse than anything I've done. Come on you've been my knight in armour enough times, so let me be yours for once. Or whatever the female version was..." _

_I smiled slightly at her. "It's just things with Blair." _

"_Oh?" she asked "B didn't say anything." _

"_I know. It's not a fight or anything. I just... it's the same thing over and over again. We go out, I walk her home, kiss her goodbye, come back here, and then start it all over the next day. I'm fifteen, I'm not meant to be in a rut." _

"_Aww, is Natie-watie in a rutty-wut." She mocked. "Well then we'll just have to do something about that. B's going to her Mom's part tonight right?" _

"_Yes." I replied. _

"_Well why do you say you and me go out and be rebels." _

"_S, I don't think..." _

"_Oh relax, I meant to the cinema, and then maybe I can stay over and..." _

"_Avoid Lily?" _

"_Yes!" she smiled tilting her head slightly "See you're not the only one in a rut. And I know an old movie theatre that's showing your favourite movie. I swear it's out of the way, so you don't need to be embarrassed." _

"_I'm not embarrassed." I muttered. _

"_And that's why there's only three people on the planet who know what it is." _

"_Shut up." I said punching her lightly on her arm, as she hit me back. _

"_So you in? And since I bet you have to pay for Blair, it'll be my treat." _

"_Fine, but you have to let me buy the popcorn." _

"_And chocolate." She reminded me. "You and B are meant to B. I'm sure you'll work something out. Let's go!" _

"_We can't S." _

"_Yes we can!" _

"_No seriously, you're still wearing my t-shirt." _

_She looked down, like she had forgotten about that. Then laughed slightly "Are you saying I can't pull this off?" _

_But she had picked up her dress, and was already on her way to get dressed before I had a chance to say anything back. I just shook my head. As I heard her singing to herself. Even when she was in pain, she still tried to be there for everyone else. She was the easiest person to talk to, I never had to try with her, it just came, and that never happened with anyone, not even Blair. Serena made everything hurt less, simply by being Serena, and that was all I needed, that was all I wanted. _

_The girl I loved. Which happened to not be my girlfriend, but the girl who had always had a special place in my heart, one Miss Serena VanDerWoodsen. _

"Nate!" I heard Blair call "Are you sure you even want to be here, you keep zoning out."

"Sorry." I replied "I was just thinking of something's."

"Well, stay focused." She snapped. "We're almost there."

"Really?" I asked shocked.

"Yeah, you've missed most of the plan. Well it's not a plan per se, all we have right now is warning that who..."

"Play nice Blair." Chuck said "You've got to keep some anger for the one who deserves it."

She nodded, but her anger was still clearly etched onto her face. Not that we could blame her, we were feeling like that inside. The thing no-one really gets about Serena, is that she trusts far too easily, she can never see the bad in people. Serena will pick faults in herself, but won't mention anyone else's. But this time, we didn't see the faults until it was too late. We were the ones that were meant to balance out Serena trusting everyone, and make sure something like this didn't happen. But none of us were even there for her this time, we just left her, and I don't want to think what would happen if they didn't have a phone in the room Juliet put her in.

"So, the two of you only came up with shouting?" I asked. It seemed pretty basic from them, and then I seen their smile, that made me nervous.

"Well, that is until she squeals and tells us why she done it." Blair put in.

"Can't bribe people without material." Chuck shrugged.

"And how are we going to get her to just tell us why she wanted to hurt Serena so much?"

"By being us." Chuck replied.

"Works every other time." Blair nodded.

And that was when the car came to a stop, outside of a typical suburban house. It wasn't extravagant, but it was a decent size. Nothing exactly screamed that it was the house of a crazy person.

"Everyone ready?" Chuck asked.

"Yes." I answered.

"Let's go and make that bitch pay!" Blair said darkly. And this is why you never get on the bad side of Blair, because at this moment, even I felt awkward and I wasn't the one she was mad at. We all climbed out of the car, and walked up to the front door, Blair storming up the path, and chapping furiously on the door. When we caught up the door opened, but the person behind it wasn't exactly what we were expecting.

"Hello dears." Said an older woman "Are you friends of Juliet's?"

"Yes." Blair smiled putting her practiced smile on "Is she in?"

"You just missed her." The woman replied kindly enough "Would you like to come in?"

"Please." Blair smiled stepping into the house when we were allowed.

"What are you playing at Waldorf?" Chuck asked.

"Gives us more time to find anything we can use." Blair whispered back.

"She will be back soon, would you three like some tea?" the woman asked.

"I'm terribly sorry to ask, but who are you?" Blair asked.

"Oh, how silly of me. I'm Juliet's mother."

"Oh." Blair replied softly. "Well I'm Cornelia, this is Henry and that over there is William."

"Would you like me to call Jules and let her know that you're here?"

"We would prefer it to be a surprise." Chuck replied. "And we would like some tea please."

When Juliet's mother had left the room, I turned back to Blair. "Code-names?"

"Well we don't know how much she knows." She pointed out. "For all we know, she could be in on it too."

"She didn't know who we are."

"Looks aren't everything Archibald. She might know about what Juliet was doing."

At that moment Chuck handed me a photo of Juliet and someone who had just graduated. "Do you know who that is?"

I shook my head. "No. She was never exactly into sharing personal facts, and the one's she did, turned to be false."

"He seems to be in a lot of pictures though." Blair pointed out. "Didn't you say that she mentioned something about a brother?"

"Yeah, she said he was in prison. But I don't know if she was telling the truth. I mean I did see her there, but something about it just didn't seem right. Like she was hiding something."

"Yeah, like what a psycho she was!" Blair shot back, I was about to reply when Juliet's mom came back into the room.

"I hope you're all OK, and here comes Juliet now. Won't it be a lovely surprise when she sees her friends here?"

"Yeah." Blair said. "It will be great."

And we all knew the meaning in that. That Blair was getting ready to destroy Juliet, and if I was honest so was I. I didn't really care that she had apparently manipulated me, but she crossed a line by hurting Serena, especially in the way she chose to do it. As well as all of that, we had to project our anger at not being with S onto someone, and who better than the person the whole thing?

"Mom." Juliet said, and Chuck had to place his hand on Blair to keep her in place. "I'm ho..."

She trailed off when she seen us. "What are you all doing here?"

"I don't think that's the right question, do you?" Blair asked, in the tone that was filled with sugary sweetness "Isn't the question, why exactly was our best friend lying in a hospital after some desperate bitch gave her drugs? Or how about, why we shouldn't make the rest of your days a living hell?"

"Serena's not a saint you know." Juliet replied. "Look at you three, you all chose to believe the worst in her, even when I'm sure she said differently?"

And that was the worst thing she could stay, as due to mine and Chuck's anger we were momentarily unaware of the fact that Blair had launched forward. Like I said we were mad at ourselves as well, so couple needing an outlet for that and the fact that Juliet had hurt Serena, well that all lead to Blair now trying to slap the life out of Juliet, or at the very least pull out her hair. I looked to Chuck who nodded, and we each grabbed one of Blair's arm pulling her up, as Juliet went to stand next to her shell-shocked mother.

"Let me go, that evil whore deserves everything that's coming to her." Blair said squirming. "She nearly killed Serena, or have you two idiot's forget?"

"Blair this isn't the way to handle things." Chuck said.

"Fine." She said stilling, before facing Juliet. "But I swear if you don't give me an explanation in the next second, I will make what you done to Serena look like the best thing ever. I will make it so you can never step foot in the city again, and I've done it before, but you know that."

"And we'll take everything we've got to the police. I'm sure the manager of the hotel, or even hotel security will provide us with some evidence as to what happened. And even if it doesn't, it still wouldn't look good would it."

"You have never seen them working together." I pointed out "Believe me they mean it, and they have the resources to do everything they said. So I think you should start explaining now."

She scoffed "Why don't you ask little miss perfect. She was the selfish bitch who ruined my brother's life."

"No we're going to need it from you." Chuck cut in.

"See Serena isn't feeling too well, but you know that." Blair's fake smile had settled in again.

"And we're not leaving without an explanation." I cut in. "So we'll ask you once, and it better be good, why did you try to ruin Serena?"


	5. Never want her to be unhappy

Serena's P.O.V

I walked into Mom's apartment behind Erik, it seemed so familiar yet distant at the same time. It had been a while since this had been 'home', it had been a while since anything had truly felt like home actually. Walking into here made me realised that, for the last couple of months I had walked around aimlessly making the same mistakes I always made. Screwing things up when they were fine to begin with. Leaving the one place that had ever felt like home, like I was meant to be there. Well place is a relative term I suppose, all I needed really was for Nate to be there. I sound so incredibly cliché saying it, but I guess you really don't know what you have until you lose it.

"Serena, are you OK? Do you need anything? The doctor said that..." Erik went into his normal mode of protective little brother. It really is a wonder that he and Blair don't just synchronise their check-up's. Well I hadn't got a text from Blair in the last twenty minutes so I assumed they had found Juliet. But I didn't have time for that, I have to calm Erik down.

"I'm fine." I smiled back, then seen his sceptical look. "I am! I guess I just realised how much I missed Nate. I mean we haven't even really talked properly since Paris, and after knowing him for so long, I really hated it. Ugh! I am such a hypocrite, I told Blair off for missing Chuck like this, and when I seen him and Juli..." I paused then not being able to think about her right now.

"Do you want to watch the film now? I still don't see the relevance of the breakfast club."

I smiled at that, I don't care how cheesy it was, watching it would remind me off the amazing people that were away trying to protect me "I just felt like it."

"Why do I get the feeling your hiding something?" he laughed. I stuck my toung out at him as Mom walked back into the room after putting my things away. I know she doesn't normally do it herself, but I think she was trying to prove that she actually wanted to be there for us.

"Serena, I put your things in your old room. I had the bedding changed so it is the way you like it." Which of course actually meant that she had made sure there were no reminders of Jenny for me.

"Thank you." I smiled. "We're going to watch the breakfast club, I know it's not exactly your kind of film, but would you like to watch it with us?"

And I swear me and Erik wore matching shocked expressions when she simply stated that she would like to watch the film with us. We looked at each other, trying to guess if we had misheard.

"Really?" Erik asked.

"Because you don't have to. I'm fine. And we're going out for dinner later." I pointed out.

"I'm not so sure going out is the best idea Serena." Mom said "We don't know where Juliet is."

And I was shocked even more this time, to see concern written on her face. She actually cared! I mean I guess I knew that, but it was nice to see occasionally. I smiled softly at her.

"That's not entirely true. There is a reason, there's not another three people in the room. Nate, Blair and Chuck are away to see Juliet."

"I knew Blair didn't fight enough." Erik muttered. "How come you're not with them?"

"They banned me from going." I moped. "Something about it being too dangerous... And I know I don't let things go easy, but I wouldn't put it past Blair to actually tie me to something to stop me from going. That girl can be scary when she wants too."

"So do you want to watch the movie in my room or yours?" Erik asked.

"Yours." I nodded, then turned to Mom "Is that OK?"

"There's not enough sitting space." Mom pointed out.

"Well I'll sit on the bed with Erik." I supplied. "This way he can't steal the popcorn."

"Haha." He replied dryly, before we all began to walk towards Erik's room, when we heard the lift doors opening and Vanessa walking nervously into the room. I swear I almost started to laugh, I would have too if I hadn't seen my family's faces.

"You two go, I'll catch up." I smiled, but they stayed routed to their spots. "Go, I'll be fine, and I'll scream if I'm not. Come on I can do attention seeking tantrums, can't I?"

They begrudgingly left the room, and I turned to face Vanessa who was doing her best to look like the wronged party in the room.

"I am so sorry Serena, I never meant for that to happen to you. It was meant to be..."

"A joke?" I finished. "Yeah, I heard. Didn't think the punch line was too funny though. But maybe you have a twisted sense of humour where waking up drugged and scared in a random hotel is funny! So do you? Think it's funny when that happens someone? How would you feel if you were in my place?"

"I never knew about that! Juliet never told us..."

"I don't care!" I screamed, and I could hear movement from Erik's room, like they thought I needed help. "You helped her make sure that no-one would even try to help me! Even if you didn't help do that, you tried to take away the only people that I ever felt completely safe with. The three people I couldn't live without! I don't expect you to get, I don't expect you to know that by trying to take away Blair, Chuck and Nate that it would have felt the same! You think what you done was any better than Juliet? You still tried to hurt someone, and screwed around with people's lives. With Dan's life, for caring about him so much you sure know where the knifes are kept! You look down on us, well you know what? Right now you're as low as you could possibly be in my eyes, and it has nothing to do with finances, I don't really care about that, but you judge us for scheming, when you do it all the time! At the ballet, at the masquerade party... All I ever did was try to be nice to you, and you done all that, why? Because you were jealous?"

"Serena I'm so sorry. You weren't meant to get hurt."

"You tried to take away my family, I was supposed to hurt." I shot back not trying to hide my anger anymore. "I want to know why you're standing there looking like someone wronged you, when you have done so many terrible things! But as a favour to Dan, I'm not going to go anything in retribution."

"Really?" she asked surprised.

I nodded. "It's not going to help me much, I just expect you to never come near me again. But I will do one last thing to help you... If I were you I'd run. I might not do anything, but I make no guarantees about Nate, Blair and Chuck. And believe me, they don't take it well when someone messes with their lives."

"I don't get why they still talk to you." She muttered darkly.

"Like I said, I don't expect you to. What the four of us have, is something someone like you could never get. You see you would die for family wouldn't you? You would do anything to protect them. And that's what we are a crazy, dysfunctional family, and if you hurt one of us, you hurt us all, so believe me, I'm doing you a favour when I say that when you leave this apartment, I would never step foot near the UES again."

"Is that a threat?"she asked darkly.

"No." I smiled overly sweet. "Threats are something that aren't fact. And if you come here, and they see you, well let's just say I wouldn't like to be you."

"I could go to the police." She said boldly looking like she won, oh how I hated that look on her face, and keeping my sugary smile on I continued:

"So could I." I tilted my head to the side in a somewhat patronising way. "And I'm sure you three weren't nearly as careful as Blair and Chuck would be. So I wonder who that would hurt more."

I kept the smile on, as I seen her's fall. "Now if you'll excuse me, I happen to be trying to watch a film with my family, so if you could please leave, don't make me get someone to help."

She turned around then and walked towards the lift waiting for it to come, and only once I knew she had left completely did I head to Erik's room.

"Are you OK?" he asked immediately.

"Did she say anything to you?" Mom asked.

"I'm good. And I don't think we'll be seeing her again."

"Yeah, we heard the end." Erik smiled. "You know Blair's not the only one who can be scary when she needs to be. You remember that year you took me to the cinema for my birthday? And made that seventeen year old all but cry when you were only twelve."

"He knocked your popcorn over on purpose, and then tried to make you fall. No-one does that to my little brother!"

"You screamed at him for twenty minutes while hitting him with your bag." Erik laughed. "But thank you for protecting me?"

"Protecting? Oh no, I'm the only one who's allowed to do that." I replied shoving him slightly. And I seen Mom looking at us from the corner of my eye, and I swear I seen tears glimmering in her's.

"Are you alright?" I asked.

She nodded, pretending she was fine, and wasn't that a great family trait? Hide everything under a rug and try to wish it away before someone finds it.

"Mom, you can tell us." Erik said softly.

"Yeah, it's not like we're perfect." I nodded. "I mean I drunk away my early teens."

"It's just that, I really missed you two growing up didn't I? You two have so many 'in jokes' that I would never be able to get, I left you two alone so many times, and I am so sorry. I lost something I can never get back."

"It's OK." Erik replied. "We turned out OK, I mean it was a rocky journey but we got there."

"And it's not like we were completely alone. We used to stay with Blair or Nate. I'd alternate who we stayed with."

"You two are stronger than I've given you credit for. Serena, I am sorry for what I said to you last week, contrary to what I might have said, you have changed, and I put too much responsibility on your shoulders growing up, it is my job to look after you and Erik, not yours. And Erik, I am sorry for not realising how much I left you, or that I wasn't there for you so much that you... I don't know what I would do if I lost either of you, and believe it or not, that was why I wanted to send you both to the Ostroff centre, I thought that being there might help you, and it was the only way I had to keep you both safe and alive, because I could never do it myself."

I had never seen that much emotion from Mom, she was the expert at hiding your feelings, and it sory of worried me to see her like that, so true to family form, I put on a smile.

"You know, in order to watch a movie, someone actually has to put it in." I laughed, as Erik rolled his eyes, and went to turn it on, turning around I gave Mom a small smile, one letting her know that I would be fine."

* * *

Nate's P.O.V 

We were not sat on one the couches, Blair in the middle of me and Chuck, we decided that was safer. Blair could control her temper and focus it on revenge normally, but this time someone had played with Serena's life, and as much as S and B have had their fights, I honestly don't think they would be able to cope with one another. Don't get me wrong, it's not like me and Chuck didn't want to kill Juliet, it was just that we needed answers first. We had to know exactly what we were dealing with. We needed to know how many people we had to remind that you just don't hurt Serena without consequences. I felt my phone buzz, and pulled it out slightly to see that Serena had sent a message, and I knew I had to open it.

_Hi! Hope ur all OK. Vanessa just came, but I don't think she will again. I'm fine, c u soon. Xx_

"Anything important?" Chuck asked, as Blair was still trying to glare Juliet to death.

"Vanessa went to see Serena." I whispered, and any under any other circumstances the way Blair's head snapped around .

"She did what!"

"It's OK, S said she's fine."

"She better be." Muttered B, and this seemed to kickstand her resolve to have Juliet tell her everything. "Now you! For some strange reason I believe little J when she said she didn't know about drugging Serena, because let's face it, the Brooklyn pretenders, not that smart. But you, you managed to actually worm your way in, admittedly it was Archibald over there, and he falls for anything but still..."

"Hey!" I protested.

"It's true, just accept it." She rolled her eyes. "So we know that they didn't do it, but why did you?"

Juliet's grasp on her glass tightened and her face seemed to turn to stone, she was angry that much was obvious, but I felt nothing. We were the ones that were allowed to be together just now, she was the one who nearly killed our best friend. Well more than that, she nearly killed Chuck's step-sister, Blair's sister in every way but blood and the girl who I loved so much that it actually hurt.

"We're not mind readers." Blair snapped. "And we're not the most patient of people."

"She ruined my brother's life." Juliet snapped.

We all seemed to pause then. So Juliet actually had a brother. I guess she was capable of telling the truth, at least there were some signs of her being slightly human. But that left one pretty big piece of information we were missing, we now had a link between Juliet and Serena, but I had never heard Serena mention a 'Sharpe' which I'm sure she would have when Juliet turned up if she knew one.

"And who's your brother?" Blair asked.

"Didn't she tell you what happened when she went to boarding school?"

Didn't she tell us? Honestly, no. All we knew is that whatever happened in that year, changed something in her. We had learned why she had left, but she had never gone into details about what happened when she was away. The closest we got to knowing anything that happened was when Damian showed up. And even then she didn't elaborate, she seemed to want to shove all her memories from that year in a little box and bury it so no-one can find it, not even her.

"I'll take that as a no." Juliet said. Then she stood up and went to a bookshelf near to where she sat, took out a folder and flung it at us. Chuck snapped out of his shock fastest and opened the folder, flipping through some of the pages keeping his face calm, before passing it onto Blair who looked shocked yet still angry and then she passed it onto me. It was full of articles about a local teacher who was fired on allegations of sleeping with a student. Neither party was names, however it didn't take long to work out that it had to be Juliet's brother and Serena. What I didn't get was why she seemed to hate Serena, when it would have been her brother's fault if anything.

"Are we meant to feel sorry for you?" Blair asked. "Cause your brother took advantage of our fragile friend."

"He didn't do it!" Juliet screamed "I know my brother! And he wouldn't do that, but you're stupid so called friend put him in prison anyway."

"So that's why you decided to make Serena's life hell? Because you think she done that?" Blair asked. "Well I don't think she did, I know S, and would have told me that. And she didn't, so I think you need to evaluate your opinions again. Because I swear if I see you anywhere near Serena again, and that includes going to Columbia, I will make sure that you are right there next to your brother. We have Damian's story, we have hotel secreting at the empire, and in that dump that you left just Serena to die for all you knew... Like I said earlier, I will make what you did to Serena look like heaven. Got it?"

"You can't ask me to leave school." Juliet shot back, which cause Blair to laugh.

"Ask? I think you're confusing me with someone else, I don't ask. It's up to you whether or not you want to return, work out if the consequences would be worth it."

"We will leave the thought with you." Chuck said placing his hand on Blair's arm, and guiding her out of the house.

"Aren't you going to say anything?" she shot back. "I don't get why you forgive her so easy, she crushed you, or do you not remember how you spent your summer?"

"No I remember." I shrugged "And she may have hurt me, but she's messed up, and she never meant to hurt me, unlike some other people. Serena is trusting and you betrayed that, and I might not do anything if you step foot in New York again, I will leave that to Blair and Chuck. But I will not let you near Serena again, she might have done some things she regrets, but she did not deserve what you done to her, and you will not do that again. I don't care what I would have to do, and I will do _anything_ to protect Serena, I wouldn't do anything to test how far I would go, because the thought scares me."

With that I walked out, realising how true that statement was, if it came to it, I would die for that girl. I would take away any pain she had away, I never want her to be unhappy, even if that means I would have to stay miserable for the rest of my life. When I entered the car, I saw Blair and Chuck looking at me.

"Is everything alright?" Chuck asked.

I nodded. "I said all I needed to. So do we believe that Serena done that?"

"I don't know. It doesn't seem like her but... I think all we can do is ask S when we get home."

I nodded, and we spent the four hours on the drive home in silence, each of us wondering what exactly happened to her in boarding school that changed her, that she couldn't even tell us.

* * *

Serena's P.O.V 

I walked out of Erik's room and went to grab my jacket to go out when I seen Blair, Chuck and Nate standing there. Each of them looking somewhat shy, then Mom and Erik walked out.

"Serena?" Mom asked.

"Erm, why don't you and Erik go for dinner, I don't feel like going out just now."

She nodded curtly, and her and Erik left quietly tying to subtly glance back at us. I waited until I knew they had left before turning to the other's.

"So what happened?" I asked.

"Serena, what happened at boarding school?" Blair asked quietly.

Boarding school. God how I hated to think of that year, so many terrible things happened that year. And there was no way I could tell them what had happened, they wouldn't look at me in the same the way.

"What do you want to know?" I asked, and then Chuck handed me a newspaper clipping. And there it was, the one thing that I could never tell them. The one thing that was too bad to tell anyone. I scrunched it up and threw it in the bin.

"What's that got to do with Juliet?" I asked.

"So it's true?" Blair asked.

"The teacher was Juliet's brother. She said he never done anything." I whispered knowing that the information would hurt her.

Never done anything! He never did anything! Are you kidding me? I shook my head and sat on the couch, and I felt Blair sitting next to me as she took my hand. I seen Chuck and Nate sitting across from us, so much like that time so many years ago.

"Serena, you can tell us anything. You know we won't blame you if it's true. We all know how fragile you were, it isn't your fault and..."

"It wasn't my fault!" I screamed standing up. "I know it wasn't! But you three don't! And you can't! You can't know what happened! You wouldn't like me after hearing it! And I need you, please I can't not have you here."

"Serena, there's nothing that you could do that would us leave." Blair said softly, just like she had before.

I shook my head though, feeling the tears start to itch my eyes. "You'd never look at me the same." I whispered.

"Serena." Nate said coming over and sitting next to me "I promise we will always be there for you. But we need to know what happened, you're scaring us now. Was it true, did you sleep with a teacher?"

I took a deep breath in then knowing that they wouldn't leave until I told them. "Fine, I'll say it, but you'll all think I'm different afterwards. When I got to boarding school after everything... I was so messed up. I just kept thinking about how awful a person I was. And then I met some people, and I know I shouldn't have but I took drugs again, it took me away from being me for a while. But there was one person who seemed to think I could do better. Mr Donovan, or Ben, he was the English teacher there. And it was nice to have someone believe that I could actually make something of myself. So I began to study, and my grades improved... Then one day he took me to a library in the next state, and we spent the day going over work, and it was fun. Then we had to go back, but it was raining and the car got a flat so we stopped at a hotel... We had two rooms, but we ended up in the same one, going over some of the work and then... and then..."

"What?" Blair asked.

"You can tell us." Chuck added.

"Serena please." Nate added.

"He kissed me." I whispered. "And I kissed him back, I just thought that it was amazing that he liked me, that someone who seemed so good, actually cared. But then I pulled back, I didn't want things to go any further... and I went to leave, go to my room, when he locked the door. Said that it wasn't fair that I had been flirting so much if I never wanted to... you know... and then... I'm sorry. I can't do this." I broke off when everything got too much for me. The memories flooding when I remembered how scared I had been. How no-one seemed to care when I screamed for help.

"Serena..." Blair whispered so quietly I wasn't sure that she had even spoke, I looked at the other two who seemed horrified at what I had said, even if I hadn't technically said it.

"Why didn't you tell anyone?" Chuck asked.

"Because it was me." I shrugged "Everyone thought it was my fault, Damian seen us at the hotel, that's why they thought that we had just slept together, and letting people believe that was better than saying the truth. And he still paid for what he done, he still got sent to prison."

"Why didn't you tell us?" Chuck asked.

"Because of how you're all looking at me." I whispered back, tears starting to fall. "Like you all think I'm horrible, that I let him do it!"

"Serena, that's not what we thin..."

"You all think I'm not the same anymore." I cried. "I want you all to leave!" I screamed before running to my room and hiding under my quilt. But it didn't take long before I heard the door creep open, and someone come in and hold me, and without looking I knew it was Nate. He cuddled me into him, so my head was resting on his chest, and my tears were slowly staining his shirt. He stoked my hair, whispering that they were all there for me, until I managed to cry myself to sleep.


	6. I still love you

Nate's P.O.V 

"Is she OK?" Blair asked when I came out. She was leaning against Chuck, who looked paler than normal. I shrugged not knowing how she was, and part of me was too scared to know. But she needed us to be strong for her; she had been so strong to deal with this on her own for the past few years, and she needed someone to show her that it would be OK, somehow we would make it OK.

"I don't think we can leave her like this." I said back, my voice breaking as I said it slightly, thinking back to her hospital room, when she looked so small, was this why she looked so broken, the thing she thought would make everyone hate her. "When I went to see her, she said that there were some things that she thought would make everyone hate her, I think this might be it. She really didn't want us to know. I mean she told us about thinking she killed someone admittedly it took a few years, but she still told us. But this... She would have never told us about this is she wasn't forced into a corner. I just... I can't... I want to find the person that did this to her, and make him suffer! I want him to know half of what she had to go through, I want to..."

"Nate." Blair placed her hand over my wrist pulling me so that I sat down next to her "I know you're angry about what happened to her, we all are, whoever did that to her deserves everything he gets, and then some. But waking Serena up won't help her any, so you can't shout like that, I think she needs to sleep some of this off. When Lily and Erik get back we'll just tell them that we don't want to leave her, I can sleep in S's room so that if she wakes up someone will be there, and if she wakes up I'll come get you two, but I think you should sleep in Chuck's old room. It would worry Lily less that way, and we can't be the ones to tell her what happened. We don't know what S wants to do."

"Lily has to know though." Chuck pointed out "Someone would have had to be there when Serena went to the police, she was a minor, and surely the school would have called."

"Yes." Blair said. "But you heard Serena, she didn't let anyone know what had happened, so Lily might not know that he... she might know that her daughter was... that our best friend was hurt so bad."

And that's when everything fell apart; Blair broke down crying into Chuck's shoulder, who was holding onto Blair as if needing to be there for her was the one thing keeping him from falling apart, although you could see his feeling written behind his eyes, and I sank to the floor resting my head against my knees, but I still had one of Blair's hands in mine.

"What are we going?" I asked rhetorically. "This is out even our comfort zones."

"We be there for her." Chuck said.

"We need to do something to make her realise that it wasn't her fault." Blair said. "I can't believe that when she came home and needed us, we all left her. What does that make us? Brooklyn was the first one to try and fix her. And... Oh god! I said some horrible things about people she slept with, and how she..."

She broke off again, and let some tears fall. We were never exactly the people who shared feelings so openly, but right now, none of us cared. We had no idea what Serena went through and that hurt, but not being there for her hurt too. She needed us, and we weren't there. We heard the elevator open and Lily and Erik walked in, noticing the missing person.

"Is Serena OK?" Erik asked panicked.

"Where is my daughter?" Lily asked, well I would say it would say it was more like ordered. We looked at each trying to silently come up with a suitable excuse, and then true to form, Blair composed herself.

"She was just stressed over the last couple of days and went to lie down for a little while." She said. "And if it's not too much trouble, could we stay the night? I could stay in Serena's room, and the boys could take Chuck's old room."

Lily gave a curt nod of her head. "She needs people that help make her feel safe."

And all I could think about that was that, maybe, she had no idea just how much Serena needed her friends and family. How much she had needed us over the last couple of years, when at one point or another, we had all pointed out how many people she had slept with in a way that wasn't exactly complimentary. How did we not notice something was dramatically wrong with her? I know we missed a year of her life, but we should have realised that something was broken deep within her, we were meant to be her best friends, and we all but deserted her, the first couple of weeks she had been back.

"Thank you." Chuck answered. Lily nodded again, and went to put her coat away leaving Erik in the room, who was now looking around the three of us looking worried. Almost like he knew something else was wrong, but he wouldn't talk about it near Lily. We all knew Serena liked to keep her problems private, and especially this one had to come from her, or at least she would have to give us permission to tell anyone about it. After that Lily and Erik went to their rooms leaving us alone again.

"How are we going to handle this one?" Blair said. "What use is our knowledge of scheming, if we can't help our best friend?"

"We handle it how Serena wants us to handle it." Chuck said.

"He's right." I sighed. "We can't push her into anything. All we can do is let her know that no matter what, we'll be there for her, that nothing will make us leave. And that no matter what it is, we'll support her decision. We might not like it, but this is something we can't push her on. We have no idea how awful she must feel about it."

Blair nodded her head softly "I'm going to her room, I don't want her to be alone if she wakes up. I need to see that she's OK."

"You'll come and get us if she wakes up? Or if she needs anything?" I asked immediately, she nodded and left the room. She muttered a quick goodnight as she left the room. Which left me and Chuck in the room by ourselves.

"Are you OK?" Chuck asked.

"No." I replied honestly. "We never noticed that she was in pain! I never noticed!"

"None of us noticed." Chuck pointed out.

"But I love her." I whispered. "How would you feel if you found out that someone had done something so horrible to Blair?"

He gave a solemn nod of his head.

"I just want to make everything better for her, but I have no idea how to do that. I was going to tell I loved her in the hospital room. But now... What if she thinks that I would only be saying to try and make her feel better?"

"She knows you."

"And I know her. And you know what she's like, look how long it took me to convince her I loved her the first time."

"She was scared." Shrugged Chuck "Maybe that's why she asked you not to tell Blair. She needed her friends there, even if we didn't know why. And I... I done something I regret when she came back, especially now."

"Why?" I asked. "What did you do that you would regret more now?"

"I... I tried to..." And despite it being the first time I had ever heard Chuck Bass stumble I couldn't help the anger that began boiling in the pit of my stomach.

"You tried to get her to sleep with you?" I filled in the blank.

"I didn't know what had happened." He shot back "And I can't say how much I hate myself right now. But it wasn't like you were a saint when she came back. You almost made her lose her best friend!"

"So did you!" I shot back. "Who gave Serena the key to the room?"

"Will you both shut up!" said Blair who had came storming into the room. "You two genius just woke her up!"

"Is she OK?" I asked immediately.

"Does she need anything?" Chuck asked.

"What do you think Archibald? And she needs you two idiots to shut up and act like she can rely on you, how are you meant to be there for her if your arguing like that? I know that it's hard to think about what she went through, but at least try to remember we're not the ones in pain here. So if you have it in you, grow up and be there for her!"

We both nodded, and she muttered 'good' before turning to walk back to Serena's room. We both followed her wanting to see how Serena was, needing to see that she wasn't completely broke and let her know that we would be there for her, in every way we could. Because that's what you do for the people you love. We walked into her room, and seen that she was still wrapped in her covers, and looking firmly out of the window avoiding looking at us.

"Serena..." I whispered walking over to her bed and sitting next to her gently. "Do you need anything? You know we're always here for you."

"We just want to help." Blair whispered sitting next to me.

"We know we've screwed up in the past, but let us be there for you now."

"S..." Blair whispered, tears evident in her eyes. "Please talk to us."

"What's the point?" Serena whispered still looking out of the window. "It's not like anything will change. I'll still be the messed up stupid teenager who got herself into a stupid mess that was all her fault."

"No it wasn't!" I argued. "We know you, and what he did to you... you didn't ask nor deserve any of it."

"But I did." She whispered in such a broken way. "Maybe I was just being punished for everything I done wrong. Everything with Pete, sleeping with you at the wedding, sleeping with strangers just so that I could convince myself someone cared, drinking to wash away the pain at the fact no-one did..."

And she turned then, and I swear it was like my heart was slowly being ripped open, when she turned around we all seen it, the emptiness in her eyes as if she had finally after everything given up.

"I might not have asked for it... But maybe I deserved it."

"Don't say that." Blair pleaded taking her hand, and grasping onto it as if she was scared to let go. "Don't you ever say that! You didn't deserve, you were so young, and he was meant to help you, help keep you safe, not do something so horrible to you. It wasn't your fault, and you never ever deserved it."

Serena just shook her head, and cast her eyes downwards. And I would have given everything to be able to reach over, pull her into my arms, and take all her pain away. I had no idea what to do. She sighed softly and looked away from us again and out of the window.

* * *

Serena's P.O.V 

Despite myself, I wanted to scream at the people around me. Tell them all that nothing could make any of this better, all I wanted was to hide it all and pretend that it never happened. Maybe Blair was right and I didn't deserve it, but the fact was that it still happened. Nothing would ever change that, I would always be the girl who didn't stop it. So I looked out of the window, watching the rain slip down. It was almost therapeutic, I had always loved rain. It let you hide your tears, but more than that, rain made promises. Rain promised to wash everything bad away, on the promise of a brighter day. Rain was meant to wash away the pain, and I had always loved that thought. I used to stay awake during to storms, to see the magical pictures forming on my window, raindrops were never themselves they always had someone with them, and I guess being left so many times made that seem like yet another promise. Of course they never kept their promises, the pictures dripped down, sometimes there was tragedies, light rain never hid your tears, but no-one ever kept promises. No-one stayed either.

"Life's like rain." I whispered. "Eventually everything good disappears just like the droplets. But that's OK, because the rain always promises to come back, and eventually the good comes back to. It's just a little harder to find."

"What?" Blair asked sounding confused, I seen the three of them share confused glances from the reflecting glass on the window.

"It was raining that night. The promises were still there, that maybe it would wash away the bad things, but it didn't. It lied, just like everyone else. I tried to look at the window and see the magical pictures that I always had, pictures that promised that everything would be OK, that something beautiful can be made out of something that is perceived as horrible. But I couldn't find any. They deserted me too. That night... it was just rain. It didn't help, and it didn't make promises."

"Are you OK?" Nate asked. "Do you want us to get Lily?"

"She doesn't know." I whispered turning back to them. "Please don't tell her, she thinks that I wanted it to happen, please don't tell her what happened... I can't stand someone else looking at me the way the three of you are. In pity. I'm still me, he took so much, don't let him take that away too! Acting like everything was perfect was the reason I got through it. I knew coming back wasn't going to be easy, and it would be hard to convince everyone that I had changed, and it was hard... But I had to do it. I had to feel like me again, and not just the girl trying to make rain pictures. I don't want people looking at me like I disgust them."

"You don't." Nate whispered.

"It wasn't your fault." Chuck added.

"You shouldn't have to go through that by yourself." Blair finished.

"But I disgust me." I whispered. "I hated having to get dressed after it, looking in the mirror and seen what was staring back. I wanted to get into the shower and just scrub everything away. I hated having to walk out of the room, and pretend that nothing had happened. I hated being so far away from school, because I had to get back into that car and pretend that I didn't want to throw up. But I did it all anyway. I just wanted to be home, where I knew I had people who would look out for me, but coming home didn't exactly work either. I nearly lost everything, all I wanted was to go back to being me, but I didn't know how to get there. I didn't know if I deserved it."

"S..." Blair said tears staining her face, as her grip on my hand tightened.

"Don't." I whispered back. "Please don't cry. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I don't want any of you too. I don't want him to take away you three as well, you and Erik, it's all I have left."

And that's when I felt the tears come back. After all these years, I finally let myself cry, and felt the three come closer, Chuck took the hand that Blair wasn't holding, and Nate gently stroked my hair again.

"We don't feel sorry for you S." Blair said softly. "We're angry that someone hurt you so bad."

"If he wasn't in prison, I promise I would make him pay." Chuck replied.

"And we're always going to be here. We could never leave you, we need you." Nate finished. "We're our own little family. And I know we don't work all the time, but we work a lot then our actual families. We're not going to leave over this, if anything we're going to be there even more. You never have to be scared to tell us anything, we'll always be here, even when you're begging us to go."

"I said it before." Blair cut up. "We're sisters, there is nothing you could ever say or do to make me let go."

I laughed bitterly then. "And I'm meant to believe that when you all thought I betrayed you all a couple of days ago?"

I shook my head. "I guess it's true what you said, I shot my reputation to hell years ago, and no-one's ever going to fully believed I've changed, and I have to include myself in that. But it still hurts, I can never, ever get anything right, and when I do I screw it all up! Like when..."

I stopped myself then. Before I could I say like when I left Nate. I knew I was being unreasonable when I asked for a break, and I wanted to be the girl who stayed, the girl who believed in happy endings, but I couldn't do it. Nate was always like those prince's in Disney films, one of the good guys, did he fall sometimes? Yes, but who doesn't, but he was still the best person I knew. He needed someone who was whole, not someone who he would have to help piece together, and I'm sure somewhere along the way, pieces were lost and I never could really be whole again, although being with Nate was close.

"Like when S?"Blair asked.

"Every time." I shrugged. "When I'm close to being happy, actually happy, I mess it all up. It's like part of me wants to be broken. Because as weird as it is, I'm used to that, it's comfortable. All being happy means is that something is going to come along to mess everything up. So why shouldn't you do it first? At least this way, you know why it happened. And you can pretend it's what you wanted. Boarding school was the last thing I didn't try to mess up, and look how well that turned out!"

"There have been plenty of things that have worked out." Blair replied.

"Name one." I shrugged.

"You got into Columbia by yourself." Blair replied.

"Yeah, and managed to nearly get kicked out, after ending up in the paper's." I shot back. "I'm not saying I want to change anything. I don't mind when things fall apart, I've gotten used to it by now."

"But you shouldn't." Nate said. "If anyone you deserve things to go well, it's you. You were always there for us, let us be there for you."

"I don't need anyone to be there." I muttered "I'm fairly used to dealing with things on my own. I've been doing it since I was five."

"Serena." Nate sighed, and then put on his angry voice. "We're going to be here anyway, you might as well let us. We are not leaving this room until we know that you don't blame yourself. We're not going until you know that while we might mess up sometimes, we're never leaving. And I'm not going anywhere until you realise I love you!"

And I swear in that instant I'm not sure who was more surprised over that statement, me or Nate. We both looked at each other, silently trying to gauge what the other one was thinking.

"Don't." I said eventually. "You don't have to say that because you feel sorry for me. I don't want you to say it because of that, I hurt you, you're allowed to be angry, that doesn't have to change."

"I'm not saying because I feel sorry!" he sighed. And I seen Blair and Chuck leave the room, leaving me and Nate by ourselves. Nate was now staring into my eyes, but I diverted them because if I stared back, I wasn't sure what I would do.

"It's what I wanted to tell you in the hospital before Blair came, I've loved you for so long Serena, and I don't think I could ever stop, even if I wanted too. And I know what you went through was horrible, but I want to be there for you. And I will do as a friend, but I would do it as more than a friend if you let me. I love you Serena, part of me always has. And I always will, I couldn't picture a life without you in it."

I sighed then. "I don't know." I whispered. "I want to believe you; I do, because I love you too. How could I not? Everyone else either loved the old Serena, or the new one, you're the only that ever loved me knowing both sides. But it's just... You know now, and I just can't... You shouldn't want to be with me."

"I'm not going to stop loving, because someone took advantage of you, if anything it just shows me why I love you. You're strong S, and I know you don't see it, but you are. I know part of you is still vulnerable, but you never let that slow you down. You don't let anything go, you try to help everyone else when really you should let them help you for a change. You keep your heart guarded because you're afraid it might break, but not letting anyone in is breaking it even more. I realised coming back from... you know... that I wouldn't mind if you chose Dan, all I want is for you to be happy. I want to be that person for you, I can't say how much, but more than that I just want to know that you are happy."

"I was always happy with you." I said, feeling the need to tell him that I did still have feelings for him, I might keep my heart guarded, but he had got closer than anyone else. "And if it was between you and Dan... Nate it would be you. But I just... I want to be able to say that you knowing everything doesn't change anything, but it does. I just... I want... I want to feel normal, and be in a normal relationship. A happy, fun, carefree one, but that wouldn't happen with you knowing about that night."

"Yes it can." He pleaded holding my hand. "I don't see you any different, I won't treat you any different."

I shook my head then. "You already are."

I looked out the window again, finding the shapes on the glass, only to be replaced with more pictures. The promises being there again, but promises are only made to be broken. So why would Nate's be any different. I wish they had never went after Juliet, I would rather live with not knowing where she was, then live knowing that they all knew the one secret I wanted to never come out.

"Can you go now?" I asked Nate.

"Se..."

"Please!" I all but screamed. "And tell Chuck and Blair to leave to. You can come back tomorrow, but I need time by myself."

He simply nodded, placing a soft kiss on my head and then whispering "I still love you."

But how could he? How could he love me, when I still had difficulty looking in the mirror on the anniversary of the night it happened? How could anyone love someone like that?


	7. Loving isn't an easy task

Serena's P.O.V

I listened as Blair screamed at Nate for getting them kicked out, then I listened as the three of them stormed out, Chuck saying that they would just come back in the morning. As if one more day was going to changed anything, they still found out the one thing that I had never wanted them to. I was the 'free spirit' in the group, how can you be a social butterfly with broken wings? I shook my head, trying to get rid of my thoughts and lay down on my bed, pulling the sheet above my head as if the material would keep everything else out.

But of course it never could. Now the people, who made me feel better, seemed to have no idea how to be around me without looking like the world had fallen apart. And I couldn't be around that. I picked up my phone, and noticed that it was eleven at night. I flicked down my contacts to the one person I knew would do anything, even if I felt horrible using him like this.

"Hello?" came Dan's voice.

"Hi!" I said happily "Listen, I know it's late, but I was thinking of going away for a couple of days. Want to come with?"

"Do you think that's the best idea?"

"I just don't want to have to sit here, watching my back the whole time. The whole city think I overdosed, or did you miss the news? I just want to be somewhere where the name 'Serena Van Der Woodsen' means nothing."

"Are you sure you want me to come? Wouldn't Blair like to go?"

"Probably, but I want someone who believed in me there." I lied. "The other's thought I did it, and Nate... didn't even show up."

I tried to hide the fact that I nearly started crying when I mentioned Nate. How could I say anything against the boy, who swore he still love me. And despite what I said, I knew he meant it, and that he wasn't just saying it. I seen the honesty in his eyes when he whispered it to me. But I couldn't be with him now, not when he knew about the one thing I could never wash away, I still felt dirty sometimes, like nothing I done would ever make me feel clean. But Dan didn't know any of that, to him I was still the girl who didn't see the dark.

"Do you want me to come over tomorrow, and we'll go then?"

"No! I mean, can I come and stay there tonight?"

"Of course." He answered. "But Serena are you sure you're OK?"

"I'm fine, just need to get out of here for a little while. I'll see you soon. Bye."

"Bye."He said quickly before I hung up.

I went to my wardrobe and shoved some clothes into a bag, I didn't look at what I packed, I just wanted something. I needed to get out of here. And Mom and Erik weren't back yet, so if I got out before they came back it would be better. But at the same time, I knew I couldn't just leave, I had to let everyone know. And what better way than a letter? This way I would be gone before they found it, so they couldn't try to stop me.

I took out my notebook, and one of my pens, admittedly the pink didn't really have the right effect, but I didn't want to waste time looking for a new one. And I knew who I had to start with. After a while, of ripping up sheets and starting new one's I settled on:

_Dear Nate, _

_I can't believe I'm doing this over a letter, but I can't say it in person. Being vulnerable with someone scares me, and I always feel that way around you. You never seen my through my act, well almost never. You didn't know about that night, but you knew I was hiding something. You were always there for me, growing up, when I really needed someone... you were the one I thought of. When I left that night with Tripp... It wasn't that I didn't want to stay, it was because I was scared of staying. I ruin relationships Nate, and I never wanted to do that to us. Us, was far too important for me to lose. But you never gave in, and being with you made me happy, truly happy, like I belonged somewhere again. It felt like I had stopped drifting, and had found somewhere to feel like home. But I messed it up like I always do... And now... Now you know about that night, and I really can't be with you. Nate, I hate that night, I still feel dirty like I can never wash it off, and you shouldn't be with someone like that, you deserve better than the broken little girl. You deserve someone who believes in love, and doesn't panic that all it means is that someone is going to leave. I want you to be happy, more than I need to be happy. I love you Nate, I always will. But you deserve more, so I'm not saying goodbye, but I need to be with people who don't know everything right now, while I work through it. Keep Blair safe, and be there for Chuck. I know he pretends he doesn't care, but we both know it's all an act. And keep yourself safe, I'll see you soon. _

_All my love, _

_Serena. _

I folded it up into an envelope, writing his name on it, before I reached before another sheet of paper and started on my second later.

_B, I know you're going to kill me when I come back for saying goodbye like this. But doing it in person means giving you three the chance to invite yourselves along, and I can't handle being with you all right now. I need to work on this by myself. I can't even fully admit what happened yet, and I need time to get my head sorted before I can talk to you all properly. But I promise when I get back, I will do everything I can to make it up to you, I will try counselling, I will try to tell my family... I'll try to be strong, and I know I need you for that. You are my best friend, through everything we managed to stay together, and you're not my best friend. You're my sister B, you will always be one of the most important people to me, so while I'm not there, please make sure Nate's OK. If anyone can make sure he'll be OK, it's you and Chuck. And that's another thing B, I know I judged in the past, but if you love Chuck, and want to be with him, ignore everything I say. You deserve your fairytale Blair, and if I could I would make sure you got a happily ever after. I love you B, take care, and please don't be too mad! Love S. Xx_

I sat Blair's down next to Nate's writing her full name on the envelope, before grabbing the next sheet of paper.

_Chuck. It's funny that about five years ago, I wouldn't have left one of these for you, admittedly half because back then you would be the one I was escaping with. But more than that, we got a whole lot closer the last few years, and take that smirk off your face, you know I don't mean it that way! You really have become like family, I mean you were adopted into the family, but I don't even really mean that. Over the years, it was the four of us, and you managed to understand why I partied, and never commented on it. But you were there when I needed help, even when I wouldn't admit it. Like the whole thing with Brown, I am still sorry I ruined you're meeting for that, I get know that you were trying to look out for me. And when I accused of sending those things that were from G, you still helped me when she showed up. So thank you, and be happy! With whoever makes you happy, but just remember... You hurt B, I will hurt you back! Look after her for me. And Nate, he'll need it. And without adding a sick joke onto it... I do see you as my brother now. And I will see you soon, right after I sort everything in my head out. But you get that! You of all people have to get that statement. Be happy and safe, and please don't get your P.I on me, I promise I'll be safe, love Serena. _

One more down, and two more to go. And here comes the hardest one, telling Erik I was leaving without saying goodbye again.

_To the best little brother in the world, _

_And no, I'm not exaggerating. You are my favourite person ever! Despite me being oldest, you were the one who was always there for me. And the one time you needed me, I couldn't be there for you. And I know that sister of the year, isn't going to be me anytime soon, but I still want to be that person you bring anything to, the one who will be there no matter what. Like when we were little, and you got scared of the storms, you used to climb into my bed, and I'd help you pretend that we were in a tropical forest when there was no rain, just lot's of adventure! I remember the first storm when you didn't come into my room, clutching your blanket and whispering 'Rena I'm scared'. I actually cried, my little brother was all grown up and didn't need me to protect him anymore. So I left, but you did need someone to protect you. You needed me, and I just left you. But over the last couple of years, I seen it, you really don't need me any more Erik. You are so much stronger than me, and if I'm honest, I look up to you. After everything, you seemed to make it out OK, and I couldn't ever ask for a better little brother. So this time it's me saying I'm scared, I've had, shall we say an ongoing personal storm the last couple of years, and I think I'm finally ready to try and brave my fears. So I need to go away for a while, only a couple of weeks, and if you need me, I swear I will come running straight back. I will tell you more when I get back, until then, make sure Mom's OK, and if you need to talk I promise I'll come back, I'm never letting you feel that lonely again. As long as I'm alive, you will always have one person who loves you, and thinks that you are amazing. I'm going to stop now, cause it's making me cry, but I love you E, I really wouldn't change you for the entire world! _

_Love your favourite big sister! Xx_

And then there was the last one I had to write, the one that I really didn't want to have to write. Especially knowing that whatever I put, she would probably just assume I was running away again, but I needed to, so I picked up my pen again and wrote the last letter.

_Dear Mom, _

_Please don't be mad that I put this in a letter. But I need to go away for a while. There is something you need to know, something that happened a long time ago that still hurts me to think about. I would tell you, but I just didn't know how to say the words. I can't admit it to myself, so telling anyone, especially you... I just couldn't. I need to go and let myself try and accept what happened, before I even begin to think about how to tell you. I can't say more, because if I did, I would have to tell you what happened, and I can't say it over a letter. I love you Mom, I know I don't say it often, but I do. I spent years trying to find Dad, and I spent years blaming everything that ever went wrong on you. And it wasn't fair, I mean you're not innocent, but I put too much blame on you. And I'm sorry for that, I told Erik I would be fine, and I will, I'm going away with someone you trust, someone who will keep me safe. I'll explain more when I get back. And I'm sorry for just leaving again. _

_Serena._

I sighed, as I closed the last envelope, before writing Mom's name on it, scooping them all into one hand, I grabbed my bag and purse in the other before walking to the kitchen, and laying the letters down on the dining table. With one last glance around, I headed outside to get a taxi, giving the driver Dan's address. I looked out of the window, and seen the rain, and this time, this time I hoped they kept their promise. That it would wash away the problems, and bring something brighter with it.

* * *

Nate's P.O.V

The elevator ride up to Serena's apartment was quite possibly the most awkward one yet Blair was still mad at me for Serena asking us all to leave yesterday. So we hadn't talked since we ran into each other in the lobby, the doors finally opened and we escaped the awkwardness, but walked right into the chaos that seemed to be going on. Lily and Erik were both looking panicked and looked up at us hopefully, and then I seen their smiles fall when they seen us.

"Is Serena OK?" Blair asked immediately.

"I don't know." She said then gestured towards a table. I walked up and seen Serena's handwriting on a letter addressed to each of us. I picked them up, and handed them out before opening mine. Reading what she had written, I felt tears sting my eyes. I hated whoever had done this to her, made her feel so horrible about herself that she felt dirty, when she had done nothing wrong. But then I read the part at the end, which made everything worse. She thought I deserved better than her? Hadn't she got it yet? No-one would ever be better than Serena, at least not to me. She was it for me, 'the one' if you are so inclined to phrase it that way. When I pictured my future, she always seemed to appear in it. When she wasn't meant to (when I was with Blair) and even when I tried my hardest not to see her there (after she left) there was just always something about her, something that I couldn't seem to live without.

"She left." Blair whispered.

"I know." Chuck replied.

"But mine says she'll get help when she gets back." Blair said. "Do you think she will come back, I can't worry about her if she's done a boa... if she's going to be gone for a year again."

"I know." Chuck replied.

"Do you think she'll come back?"I asked voicing the thing that scared me the most, Serena deciding that she was too scared to ever come back.

"She will." Chuck nodded.

"Blair, Nathaniel, Charles." Lily said making us all turn around. "You know what's wrong with my daughter, don't you?"

"No." We all muttered, but she just kept staring at us, knowing that we were all lying.

"My daughter could be in trouble, I need to know what is wrong with her, if any of you care about her, you will tell me what is wrong so that I can try and find my daughter."

"We can't." Blair spoke first "Serena, really has to be the one to tell you. But it's nothing like what it has been in the past, it hurt her, but she wasn't responsible for this one."

"What wasn't she responsible for?" Lily asked. "I need to know what happened to my daughter, and I don't want to have to wait until she decides to come back to hear what upset her."

"I think we should tell her." Chuck said. "Even we can't handle this ourselves, and I don't think that she should be by herself now. Not when she wasn't in a good place last night, you heard her... I'm scared for her, Serena doesn't deal with her emotions well, and I'm worried about what she might do."

"I am too." I nodded. And I was, I don't think I could take worrying about her so much until she came back. She was ready to break at any moment, and if she ran away, there would be no-one to help put her back together. I would trade anything in the world, actually I would give everything, just to know that she was going to be OK. I hated thinking of her in so much pain, out there by herself, with no-one to help mend her, no-one to tell her just how amazing she was, remind her of the fact that she was loved, tell her that we would do everything to help or even tell her that without her in our lives we wouldn't be the same.

"I can't think of her out there by herself, what if something happens to her? What if she decides that she can never come back? It's Serena, you know that she might. I think we need to tell someone, Chuck's right, we're out of our league on this one. She needs help, and I don't think we can give it to her, at least not all that she needs."

"She'll never forgive us." Blair shook her head. "How is that going to help anyone? But I don't think I can think about her being out there herself either."

"Will one you tell me now!" Lily put in.

"You're really worrying me now." Erik said "What's wrong with Serena."

"We need to." I whispered. Despite the risk of Serena hating us, we had to do what's best for her. And that was making sure she had all the help that she could, even if she might hate us afterwards.

"I'll say." Blair sighed eventually. "It was at boarding school... Her teacher... I know you know about that night, or at least you think you do, but she didn't tell you what really happened. She only just told us... But we had no idea about that night, and I don't think she would have told us, if we hadn't managed to put her in a corner. We went to see Juliet, and tell her to stay away from Serena, but then Juliet mentioned that night. The teacher... was her brother, and she swore that he wouldn't have done it."

"Are you telling me my daughter ran away, because you three found out about her and that teacher?" Lily scoffed, and it took all I had not to just shout at her, about how ignorant she was, how she go from worried to annoyed in a couple of seconds?

"No!" Blair shot back. "Not exactly... Like I said, you don't know what really happened. She was hurt more than you know that night, I think, no I know, that it broke something in her. Something that we can't fix by ourselves. When she went to the hotel that night, it was only to get out of the rain. She had gone to the library because she was honestly trying to change. But he... she didn't want to... he... he forced her..."

She trailed off then, letting the recognition sink in with Lily and Erik, and Lily sat down but it looked like she wasn't even really there, and Erik had lost all the colouring in his face. No-one spoke as we all sat down, letting the information sink in.

"My little girl..." Lily whispered. "I need to find her."

"We don't know where she is." Erik pointed out. "We apparently don't know much. How could we not notice?"

"You were going through a lot." Blair replied.

"And if nothing else, S can hide her feeling." Chuck finished. "She didn't want any of us to know, she never gave us any clues... There was no way we could have known."

"We need to find out who she's with." Lily said "She said she was with someone I would trust, and there aren't many people I trust to properly look after her. And apart from you three, there is only one other person that she would go to, that I would trust."

"Dan." I muttered, hating how I felt at that moment. I knew he would make sure that she was OK, and I was glad about that, she needed someone to keep her safe. But I hated that she had turned to him, out of everyone, she went to him. And only a couple of hours after I told her that I loved her. And I hated myself for thinking that, she wasn't ready when I told her, I knew that, it just sort of slipped out, but I couldn't take it back. I didn't want to, I wanted her to know I loved her, I wanted her to know that no matter what, I knew that fact would never change. There was just something about Serena, that made you love her. And you could never really get over that, I waited so long to be with her, and there are no words that describe how I felt when she left, well except that it really felt like she had ripped my heart out, and took it with her. But none of that mattered: the bad... while it hurt was nothing compared to how amazing being with her was.

"I'll phone Daniel, Erik can you please try calling your sister, see if you can get her to come home. You three are welcome to stay, if we manage to find her, I'm sure she'll be glad to know that you're here."

"If she ever forgives us." Blair muttered as Lily and Erik walked away. "I still can't believe I told her, Serena is never going want to talk to us again."

"I'd rather her hate us, than her be hurt." I shrugged "Wouldn't you? Besides I don't think you need to be worried, she'll never hate you."

"Like she'd hate you." Blair scoffed "She loves you."

"She loves you." I shot back. "You're like family, she's perfectly happy not talking to me."

"No, she loves you. But you know Serena, the thought scares her, so she runs. Look I know S, and she was happy with you, like really happy with you, not fake happy. And I haven't seen her like that since. She's just scared, she thinks that letting herself love you, means you leaving, and she'd rather you be in her life as a friend, than take it further and risk you leaving."

"And she just happened to tell you all of this?" I scoffed.

"She didn't need to." Blair shrugged.

"We can tell." Chuck cut in. "The only thing we don't understand is why the two of you don't seem to realise that you both feel the same way."

I was going to say something back when Lily walked back into the room, with Erik following her. "I managed to talk to Daniel, they haven't left yet, and he agreed to keep her there until I got over there. All we have to do is hope she doesn't work it out before we get there."

"We?" Blair repeated. "I don't think we should all go. You know Serena, she'll feel like we're pressuring her into coming back, and she won't like that. I think maybe you and Erik should go, we'll meet here."

Lily nodded, as she and Erik made their way for the life. Now all we could was sit and wait, and pray that Dan managed to keep her in the loft. Because there is nothing scarier than thinking of her walking around all by herself, especially with how she must be feeling.

Well there was more thing I knew for sure loving Serena Van Der Woodsen was no easy task, but it was one of my favourite one's.


	8. Now or never

Serena's P.O.V 

"I made breakfast!" I squealed happily as Dan came back into the room. He had went to take a phone call in the other room, and I thought, might as well make breakfast.

"It's toast." He laughed.

"Are you mocking my culinary skills?" I replied dryly putting my hands on my hips. "Because then you don't hey any mister!"

"It's my food."

"I made it."

"Serena..." he started.

"Uh oh! I know serious face when I see it." I laughed.

"Are you sure you're alright?"

"I'm fine." I replied. "I just need to get away from here for a while. I don't want to have to constantly look over my shoulder and wonder if anyone's going to try and drug me again. And it'll be nice to spend some time together."

Then I seen a look flash across his face, one I wasn't able to analyse. I titled my head to the side slightly "Are you OK?" I mocked back.

"It's just..." he trailed off.

"Come on it's me. You can tell me anything."

"Did you chose?"

"Oh." I whispered, sitting down on one of the stools. Well I wasn't expecting that. Had I officially chosen? No. But I knew who I wanted to pick. I always had. But now, more than ever, I couldn't be with him. Things were so much harder with Nate than anyone else. I couldn't pretend with Nate, he seen all my flaws, and there was so many of them... He knew when I was upset, when I was pushing him away... He knew far more than any of my other boyfriend's had. And that made me nervous. I know it shouldn't but... I felt like if I disappointed Nate, it would hurt more, and it did. To see the hurt in his eyes, after all we've been through, after so many years of friendship, I managed to ruin it all with one stupid kiss.

"It's OK." Dan rushed "I shouldn't have asked."

"No, it's OK." I whispered back. It wasn't fair of me not to tell him. It wasn't fair of me to entertain the thought of being with Dan merely because he only seen the good in me, and never mentioned the 'old' or broken Serena, he let me be who I wanted, he didn't remind me of my past... I just got to be the girl he had wanted. I got to be the princess, the role that normally belonged to Blair. I heard a chap on the door then, although since I was so deep in my own thoughts, it sounded like it was coming from a million miles away. Well that was until I felt someone rush up to me and throw their arms around me.

"Erik?" I asked shocked. I hugged him slightly, before looking up and seeing Mom talking to Dan. And he wasn't shocked that she was here.

"You knew!" I said accusingly to Dan, pulling away from Erik. "You knew that they were coming and you didn't tell me?"

"I told him not to." Mom said, then I seen her face fall into a sympathetic look, one that she had never looked at me with. I was used to disappointment, not this. But why would she look at me li... No! No! No! No! They wouldn't have told her. They couldn't have told her. They wouldn't tell her. Right? I mean they wouldn't but...

"They to... Did they..."

"Oh Serena." Mom sighed. "Why did you never tell me? I know I wasn't the world's best mother, but you shouldn't have gone through that by yourself."

I seen Dan in the background, looking confused, before Erik whispered something to him and he left. I wanted the ground to swallow me whole then. Take me away from where I was now. Take me away from what I had to do. At least I didn't have to say it out loud now.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, not looking at either of them, instead choosing to focus on a random button that was lying on the floor.

"_You're_ sorry?" Erik asked. "What do you have to be sorry about?"

"I should be sorry." Mom cut in. "I never noticed that you were in so much pain, and I should have seen that. Who was going to see that you needed someone to be there for you, when your own mother couldn't?"

"I'm sorry that I didn't tell you." I whispered. "I just... I didn't want to think about it. I wanted to come home, and not be near where it happened. I couldn't tell anyone, because I didn't want anyone to know. I couldn't look in the mirror Mom. I couldn't stand to see what was staring back, I didn't recognise me anymore. And I... I'm sorry I let it happen..."

"Serena!" Mom said forcefully, there was so much anger in her voice that I actually jumped. "I don't ever want to hear you say that. What he did to you, it was in no way your fault. How could you even think that?"

I opened my mouth to say something, when I felt the words stick in my mouth. As years of repressed memories came flooding out of the gates at the same time.

"_That rain came out of nowhere, I'm sorry about the detour." Ben smiled at me, as he handed me my room key. _

"_I like the rain." I shrugged. _

"_You like rain?" he laughed, as I nodded. _

"_Uh huh. Ever since I was little." I nodded, and began heading towards my room. "Well night." _

"_Wait." He said, causing me to turn around and face him again. "We might as well start on your work. What else are we going to do, we didn't plan any stops." _

"_OK." I answered, and we both began walking to his room. When he opened the door I flopped onto the bed. _

"_I didn't think you would be comfortable in a room like this." Ben said. _

"_I've been in worse." I shrugged. "I've been in better too, but trust me, I have been in a lot worse." _

"_You don't seem like a motel kind of girl. More a five star hotel person." _

"_There's a lot you don't know about me." I laughed, trying to hide what I was actually feeling. Hatred for the girl I used to be. The girl who slept with her best friend's boyfriend on a bar, at a wedding reception. "So what should we start with?" _

_We spent the next couple of hours discussing the finer points of the numerous novels we had picked up. I could almost pretend that right here, in this room, I didn't have a past, I was able to pretend that I was a girl worthy of having someone believe in her. And in my life, pretending was sometimes the only thing that got me through the day. But then all of a sudden he reached over and closed the book in my hands. I looked up at him confused, then seen him lean in closer, and before I knew it I felt his lips on mine. I felt my eyes flutter close, as I let myself get caught up in the emotion of it all. But then, as it always did, reality sunk back in. He was my teacher, and I had made mistakes in the past, that was no secret, but I didn't want to be __**that**__ girl anymore. _

"_I'm sorry." I muttered pulling back, and shaking my head slightly. "I need to go." _

_I stood up, grabbed my stuff, and walked towards the door, but just as my hand met the cold metal doorknob, I felt Ben's hand cover min, then reach forward slightly, which left me confused, until I heard the soft click of the lock. _

"_Ben?" I asked trying not to panic. Especially as he turned me, so that I stood sandwiched between him and the door. It was somewhat ironic that situations like this had been the subject of my daydreams for a while, but now that was happening... somehow I never felt safe. _

"_I... I'm tired. I... need to..." I stuttered, but he just shushed me and placed his finger on my lips, before replacing it with his mouth, as I was pressed further into the door, I tried to push him off me, but he grabbed my arms and held them above my head, he pulled back to smirk at me. _

"_Now let's not pretend you don't like it. I know you've been flirting with me, and I know you." _

"_I don't want..." I tried to protest, but his lips were already back on mine as he pulled my closer. I tried hitting him, but that was proving problematic since he still had a death grip on my wrists, but then as he turned me and began walking towards the bed, I felt a sudden rush of panic. This couldn't be happening. It just couldn't. So I done the only thing I had left, I kicked him on the leg as hard as io could, making sure my heel made contact with him, and as he yelped in pain I made a run for the door. Realising belatedly, that I didn't have the key. _

"_Help! Please!" I screamed before I felt his hand over my mouth. _

"_You just had to make it the hard way didn't you? You don't have to play hard to get now. We both know that's not true. I heard the rumours going around school. I hear the whispering, we both know that your easy." _

"_That's not true." I cried. "It's not." _

"_But you know it is. Your no saint Serena. You're just a little sl.." He started but before he could get the last word out, I had slapped across his face. But when he looked back at me, all emotion void in his eyes, I couldn't help feel complete dread. _

"_I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I never meant to..." I started backtracking before his hand met my cheek with so much that I feel to the ground. _

"_Silly little girls shouldn't play with the grown-ups." He said darkly before grabbing my wrist pulling me roughly up, before pushing me on the bed. _

"_No. Please." I pleaded, hating feeling so helpless. "Please don't do this." _

_But as his hand went further up my leg, he merely smirked at me. "I'm only finishing what you started." _

"_No, please." I screamed. "You can't do this." _

_But his hand covered my mouth then, and all I could do was turn my head and watch the rain. Try to pretend that nothing was happening that all of this was just some horrible nightmare, and that at any moment Blair would come wake me up. I wished that everything since the Shepard's wedding was just a dream, and when I woke up, Blair would be there with croissants and 'Breakfast at Tiffany's', and we would laugh and talk about everything and nothing at the same time. _

_Except you can't always get what you wish for right? Not even if you're Serena Van Der Woodsen._

"Serena?" Erik said softly pulling me back to the present, I noticed that Mom had stood up to pour me a glass of water so was a little bit away from us. As I shook trying to get rid of the thoughts that I had never really been able to forget, no matter how hard I tried. But now... Now there was no way I could keep the memories in.

"I'm sorry Erik. If I had been a good big sister, stayed with you. None of it would have happened. I want to be a good big sister. It's all I ever wanted, like when..."

"You used to protect me from the storms?" he suggest, so he read the letter then. "Or when you would try your hardest to keep me entertained so that I wouldn't notice we got left behind again. Or when you would take us to Blair or Nate's, just so that I had an adult to watch me. Serena, don't you get it by now? You were the one that all but raised me, and you're only a couple of years older than me. You know when I was in second grade, we got asked to do an essay on our hero. So most people wrote about whatever film star or business tycoon they wanted to be like. Do you know who I wrote about?"

I shook my head, trying to wipe the tears that had started to fall.

"I wrote about you."

"Me?" I asked shocked, before shaking my head "I'm not a hero."

"But you are. Serena you always looked after me. And you had to go through something awful on your own, and you still made it out OK. I know you're not flawless, but that doesn't matter to me. No matter what you do, you will always be my big sister. And I will always love you and look up to, because to me, there is nothing you should change."

"I agree with your brother." Mom said as she walked back up, handing me a glass of water, which I took a long sip of. "You managed to look after him, so much better than me. He was all but left in your care for years, he spent a couple of months with me and..."

She trailed off letting us fill in the rest of the sentence.

"Mom." Erik began but she cut him off.

"No, I deserve the blame. I wasn't there for either of you. But I will be there from now on I promise. If either of you are ever in pain like that, please promise me that you will come and talk to me. And Serena, I don't want you to ever, feel like what happened was your fault. It wasn't. I'm so sorry that he hurt my little girl like that. But I will make him pay for what he did to you."

We both nodded and we lapsed into silence then not knowing what else to do. I heard my phone ring, so I stood up and walked over to it. I seen the screen lit up with Nate's name.

"I need to take this." I said before stepping into the other room. "Hello?"

"Serena I'm so..."

"It's OK." I cut him off, then took a deep breath, it was time to choose. "Can you do me a favour?"

"Anything." He answered immediately.

"Meet me at our spot in central park and don't bring Chuck and Blair. I just need to talk to you."

He was silent for a moment, before he sighed. "I'll meet you there, but you just gave me mission impossible."

"Sorry Natie." I giggled. "I'll see you soon."

"Bye Serena."

"Bye Natie." And as I hung up there was no doubt, whatsoever about who I wanted to choose. Who I _had_ to choose.


End file.
